alllll the fics

Letters To You

Description: Phil dies, and 3 years later, Dan finds his secret letters.

Warnings: More character death, and sadness everywhere. 

It had been 3 years.

3 years.

3 years of sleepless nights and tears and lonely cups of coffee at midnight, because he’d do anything to keep sleep from coming, anything to keep his mind clear of him.

It had been 3 years since the phone rang and ruined Dan’s life.

It had been 3 years since Phil died.

It hadn’t really hit Dan for the first few weeks. He just felt kind of numb. Like nothing could ever matter again. He didn’t plan the funeral, and he didn’t even want to go. He’d just wanted to sit in the dark and wait for Phil to come back. He wanted to stay quiet and pretend Phil was just out shopping, and that he might open the door at any moment and kiss him and smile wide enough to light the whole room. But Phil’s mom made him go. She made him go, and made him talk about Phil’s life in front of everyone. And Dan had got to meet the person who was driving the car that took Phil from him. The man was sorry, but Dan couldn’t care less. A million ‘sorry’s couldn’t bring Phil back.

He hadn’t been in Phil’s room since right after the funeral. He didn’t even  mean to go in, it just happened. He was wandering aimlessly around the flat, looking for something that didn’t exist. He wound up at Phil’s door and opened it like it was a reflex. He always went to Phil for help when he was sad. But once the door was open, he realized Phil wasn’t there to help him. So he walked in and sat down on the bed. He laid back and stared up at the ceiling, managing to smile a bit. There were glow in the dark stars up there. Dan always thought they were stupid, but Phil liked them, so they were there for their eyes only. He pulled a pillow up over his face. It smelled like Phil, and he almost cried right then and there. But he knew if he did, that little piece of Phil he had left would be soiled. So he put it down and went to running his hands over everything along his shelves. The tears only left his eyes then. He opened Phil’s drawer, took out all his hoodies and the stupid star shirt he hated, and left. He closed the door and left it like that for 3 years.

3 years is enough time to heal a broken heart, or at least it’s supposed to be. Studies say it takes about 19 months for someone to get over an ex, but maybe it was different because Phil wasn’t exactly someone he’d broken up with. He was still dating Phil. It was just.. Dan liked to think of it as a long distance relationship. Phil wasn’t broken up with him. Phil was just broken up with the Earth and the universe. And after 3 years, he missed Phil just as much. So another trip into his room couldn’t hurt, right?

He opened the door, and it hit him like a brick to the face. It wasn’t like the room was unfamiliar. He’d watched and cried over all of Phil’s videos countless times, and he still knew exactly what it looked like. But no video could describe what it was like to flick on the dusty light and feel it all come back. The stars and the late nights and the early mornings and the Phil is not on fire videos and everything else, it happened there. Phil lived on in that room, and it hurt like hell. Dan knew he should’ve left. He should’ve turned around and left and let those memories die, because it would just hurt him. But instead he opened Phil’s drawers again and tore the clothes out. He buried his face in them and tried to remember what it was like waking up with Phil, and going to sleep with Phil, and what his voice sounded like in person. But most of those memories were gone. All he knew was that he loved a dead boy. When he got to the bottom of the drawer, he cried. There was no amount of tears that could ever relieve his pain, but it felt nice to cry. He hadn’t cried in months. He was about to close the drawer when a small box caught his eye. Dan picked it up and ran his hands over it. He was sure he’d seen it before, though he wasn’t sure where. He lifted the lid of it and his mouth fell open.