n0t a waste 0f space.

0w

"you are in love." my brain relays to my heart,

"Okay." the pounding replies.

Okay. but wait,

This doesn't feel right.

This doesn't feel like love, doesn't feel like life.

I tap the glass of my chest,

Like a child tapping on a fish tank, at a sleeping snake inside.

"Wake up!" I yell,

"Hello!" I cry,

"Is there anyone there? Any emotion alive?"

And I think I'm supposed to walk down a certain path with you

But I'm just wandering along, trying to write my own chapters in

Because this isn't a love poem, it's just about me again,

About depression, because nothing is untouched by it,

And why should I bother with loving you

If it's not going to be true,

If it's tainted with all my shades of grey-toned hues,

So what if your heart is tripping over itself,

If it skips a beat, or two, or three,

If you get lost in their eyes like you're drowning at sea.

Does it matter if you're in love, when you can't really feel anything,

And when you can't see yourself next week, much less 20 years,

Because right now there's only the hopelessness and tears.

And it's not about you, not about a relationship,

I'm just excited because you make me feel things again,

And maybe I don't love you, I just love how I feel

When I think someone cares, when sparks become real.

But I also know,

I crave love, I desire companionship,

But I can't see myself being that selfless,

I don't pay attention to birthdays, can't remember your favorite food,

I'm not kind enough to do anything but flirt with you.

And I'll pour out my art, I'll split open my heart,

I'm not bragging, just here, ripping myself apart,

I can love you no problem, I can star-cross myself,

But you can't cross with an asteroid, who's in need of some help,

You can't fall for a fountain who never returns your pennies,

Can't build a home from false fantasies.

Can't buy all my art, while I'll never listen to yours,

Love with me is just a bunch of closed doors.

But I'm in love with you!

My brain screams at me, my heart complies reluctantly,

I try to feel something,

And I do, I think I do,

I can feel what it'd be like to love you,

And I can taste the maybe's

The what-if's and you-should's,

But I'm afraid of the never's, and the yeah but you could's.

I'm sorry! Sorry.

I wish I could love you,

Except that I do, but I never could see

Anything other than blue,

You'd get bored with me,

I'd suck out your life,

I'd be a flirtatious leech,

Desperately trying to revive.

I know it's ridiculous,

But I'm just trying to participate in a life,

Where I feel like a statue and I stay trapped inside,

My head is a world where I get tossed around,

Beat up and scarred and tossed on the ground,

I know it's stupid, selfish of me,

To try to love you

When I can't even love me.