Dear Carson

Dear Carson,

I still love you. And I always will. No matter how hard you try to push me away, how much you tell me that you love someone else, how many times you shatter and break my heart, how many times I watch you try and love someone else, how many times you tell me that you only love me as a friend now. I will always, love you. You can shatter me, break me, hate me, and even try to push me away. But in the end, I will stay. I can't like anyone else. I can't crush or eye a guy. I can't flirt, or even say 'ohh he's cute' without feeling guilty and wrong. I didn't mean to fall for you, but I did. I can't change it, or fight it. I've tried lying to myself, saying you don't love him. I've tried hating you, staying away from you, and even being mad with you. But in the end, I can't. I give in. I have too much to remember you by, to try and go. I know you don't care. I know you don't love me anymore like you use to. I know you don't feel the same way. I know you love someone else. And, I know, we probably will never be together ever again. BUT, I hold onto hope, dreams, and memories. My mind may say some pretty crazy things. Well, my heart does to. It tells me that I will never love anyone else. It tells me that I want to be with you forever. It tells me that I want to love you with all my heart. It tells me that I will do everything and even give my life, just for yours. It tells me, that I want to be a Reed. It tells me, that, I will never stop loving you. Funny? I feel strange sometimes. I wonder what you think of me. What you see, when you look at me. Does it bother you, that it's me, that loves you? Does it disappoint you? I'm sorry. I truest am. I could never hurt you. No matter how badly you were to shatter me,.. I still wouldn't want to cause any pain to you. I want you safe, and sheltered. And happy. Even if I can't make you happy. It kills me to think you are not with me. It kills to think you lost feelings for me. (Ego booster, huh?) I don't want anyone else. I refuse to move on. I just won't love anyone else. I just won't marry or date. I can stay single. I don't want to have my heart broken again. I don't want to love anyone else. Ever. I just want to love, you.

4/8/14

Dear Carson,

Stop reading my stories. It's not cool.

4/9/14

Dear Carson,

You have no idea of what you can do to me. I can't help but smile when I look at you. Just watching you, being alive. Breathing, moving, speaking, laughing, smiling. (Not trying to sound creepy.) your voice, your words, your expressions, movements.. Just everything. So beautiful. So perfect.

4/15/14

Dear Carson,

I wish you would stop leading me on. Making me feel like you love, and want me. Getting close to me. Making me feel like you truly are not over me. Like you have some kind of feelings for me. It kills me. We wrestle, you sit with me like you use to do when we were dating. You hug me, and sometimes, you've even put your arm around me. You kiss my arm, or you playfully lick my cheek like some kind of dog. But it makes me laugh. So you do it more and more. You tickle me, because I laugh. You wrestle me because I smile. But why? Why? If you don't love me,? Why if you don't have any feelings for me? You say we are just friends. But friends don't do those things. Why do you continue to drag me around like this? Gutting my heart out and ripping it into pieces, then carefully collecting them, and putting them back together? Is this some kind of sick game to you? Why do you do this? Why.. I won't object to not liking it. I love having you near me. Why do you play with my heart and feelings? You know I will react to what you do. You know that I still love you. Your know that my feelings are strong for you. You know that I am hurt because of you. You know, that laying across my lap, will make my heart do flips. You know all of this. Yet.. You seem to love playing games. Even when you say you don't play games yourself! But you do! You control them! You play me, like you play monopoly. Dragging the pieces across the board. Dragging my heart, winning and loosing it. I can't complain really. I guess this is the only thing, keeping me together is being near you.