Dear Carson

And Everything Comes Out

11/7/14:
Dear Carson,
Today, I've been trying to stay strong. Trying to enjoy the people that I've been blessed with. But I just can't.
After everyone went home, (Vicki, Trevor, Anna) (I'm left with mom Gloriana & Bethany) I went outside in the pitch dark, plugged in my iPhone to my stereo and played "You and I" , laid down on the docks, and cried as much as I could. Something I wouldn't allow myself to do. Cry. I shivered, and coughed, and cried these Icy cold tears of pain, for myself, for the world, for you, me, for us. I've been thinking of you again. I miss it all. Everything.
Before all this, I was listening to our song... And then, you texted me, in between it...
HEY
HEY YOU
YES YOU
I replied with:
Hey!! Yes, silly?
You said:
I MISS YOU
more went on, but those three words is what I've been wanting to hear... You miss me. I don't care if you meant you missed the old me, or you missed my company, or you missed my self, or you miss us, or you miss having a best friend,... I don't care how you meant it.. All I know, is it felt amazing to read those words. I miss you too Carson. You have no idea of how much I hate my life.
Everything reminds me of you.
We were listening to California Girls earlier today. It flashed me back to when we were younger, and it was you me and Trevor, performing to that song, a small little dance in Mimi's living room, in front of her.
A lot of songs remind me of you.
I was walking around the house, and went around lighting candles and making it dark. It flashed me back to my birthday party. Our first dance, and kisses. Then it flashed me to when you came over one day and brought your horse masks. It was November of last year. I remember it. We were being so goofy and making vines.
Then, it flashed me back to when I snuck you in..
I laughed so hard when the car alarm went off.
Then.. It flashed me to the last night..
Then, to that morning.. When you left..
I was so confident that we wouldn't be in much trouble... I honestly thought it would only be a little talk about asking permission for things.. I had no idea that it would turn into this.. I had no idea that that night was going to be my last time with you. My last kiss, my last time to feel so loved, my last time to feel happiness and hopeful. We were so close. So very close.
I was outside earlier, laying down on he docks,staring at the full moon and stars. Our first time, was when a full moon was out, a day before you birthday. When I look to the stars, I seek my future.
I was thinking earlier, about how life could have turned out.
Or, really dreaming of my future.
We could have spent our highschool together. I imagine my first time getting my license, and having you ride in a car with me. I imagine it would be a lot like when I rode with trevor his first time. It was so different, but with so much freedoms. I imagined going places with you, and being so happy. Then highschool, I would have classes with you. We could walk the halls like those cute couples, and giggle and cut up. Everyone would wish they could be us. Then we would go to prom, and homecoming, and cry at graduation. I would go to college, and come home afterwards to see you, since you would still be in highschool. Then, when you graduated, we would go to California, and wouldn't have to pay out of state tuition, because we could get by, by saying we lived with Vicki. Then we could live in her extra apartment suit together. We would study and do whatever and be happy. Eventually, we might have gotten married. I would have cried when you got down on one knee. I would have smiled, a real smile, because I would have my braces off and then, be truly beautiful. We would have announced our engagement. Then I would walk down the aisle. I would see my whole family there. Daddy, mommy, granddaddy, John, Blake, lesha, Vicki, Trevor, Anna, there parents, nanny, papa, Lauren and Paul, all sitting to the left. AND TO the right, would be Mimi, pops, daddy, Kaliegh, mommy, Shane and Fea, nanny, nana, Jessica, ECT.. In front of me would be the flower girls.. Chloe, Sarah, Hallie,... Carrying the rings would be Griffin and Baby Whitt. And then down the Aisle, would be my future. You.
Our families would be one.
I would have the family I never was given.
We would have our first child, maybe a boy or girl. I wouldn't care because I would be perfectly happy. Then two more would come along, and I would be so blessed and perfectly happy with our little family of five. I would raise them, and fall asleep to my best-friend every night. I would play peek a boo with our daughters, and help our son learn to throw a ball. You would be silly when you would come home, and I would have dinner waiting. I would eat with my perfect little family. Our daughters would have your eyes. Defiantly. They would all look like their daddy. I would watch them grow, and eventually look forward to grand kids. I would grow old with the one person who I loved more than anything.
That's how my life could have been.
But.. I messed it up with my "great ideas." I messed it all up.
I try not to say anything. I don't want to push you away. It's so hard already jus trying to get conversation out of you.
I wanted a good future. That's how I was going to make myself happy. I was going to have my little family and marry the person I loved. I can't move on.. I know I can't. I have too much feelings and memories for you. I know you hate it.. I know.. And I'm so sorry. BUT what can I do in my life? I can't fix anything. I'm broken. My family is broken. Your broken. You just watch us.. You should be the one with the friends.. With Trevor Anna and Beth.. Not me..
We were so in love, and so close before that last night. You had even brought up the future.. I remember riding on the golfcart with you, and you randomly said "so what will we name our children when we are older?" And I remember how shocked I was, because you never thought of things like that up ahead.. Or at least never mentioned them.
I think we were meant to be. I really do.
We never fought or argued. We said I love you. We got along. Never grew tired of each other. Were always around one another. We loved the same things and worked things out.
I think God let this happen to show us how fast we were moving, and that we needed to slow down.
I feel like we will all be back together eventually.
Wether it's this year, or when you are in highschool, or when we are adults. I strongly feel we will.
But, maybe not. Because your feelings seem like they might have changed. I'm not sure if distance has done that or not.
So here I sit, in my room alone. As fast as the tears had poured, they have stopped.
Anna will be living her dream, and at auditions tomorrow.
And Trevor, he's with his love of his life right now.
And I'm here.. Drowning in my misery, guilt, regret, and dreams.