Dear Carson

Dazed

9/14/14:

Yesterday I finally got to see you. We both ironically missed school Friday. But anyways. My emotions have been awful all week. And I have no clue of why. I keep crying over little things or getting upset. Liz has been weird lately. I was telling her my daily "problems" and she all of a sudden blew. Telling me I'm not ready for an relationship, telling me to leave Carson and all this crap. She was going insane. I would NEVER leave him. I love him WAYY too much for that. And do you know what she did that pissed me off more than ever? She TEXTED him telling him to dump me!! IS SHE FUCKING CRAZY? I freaked the hell out! She knows what that would do to me. It would literally kill me. I went cray.. I was terrified that he was going to do what she said. I began panicking and crying and I even cut. I know.. I shouldn't have. I just freaked because I'm terrified of loosing him.

I mean I wouldn't be so scared if LIZ wouldn't be so unsupported with his and my relationship. She's always trying to mess it up, making faces when I tell her things, always saying I don't know what love is and he doesn't even love me. I know he does. He wouldn't have came back if he didn't. He wouldn't make efforts, or even do half the things he's done now. She just pisses me off sometimes.

Then I relaxed after that. But went right back to crying when he said he might be going to Huntsville schools! That would mean I wouldn't see him much. He would be with his mom more than anything, and farther away from me. Less time with me. I would absolutely die! I can hardly survive school and his moms weekends without him. I wish I could just live with him. Life is so unfair.

But anyways. That's how Friday went. I would have stayed emotional if Trevor hadn't came over and cheered me up. He's kind of the person who makes me laugh when I wanna cry. Carson's the person that makes me smile and feel incredibly happy. I love Yous!

So now onto Saturday.

Our third.

Trevor and I went to neighborhood and I about melted when I finally saw him. So precious and Adorable! His new hair cut made him even more precious! I could hardly hold myself back!!!

It was an amazing day! We rode on the golfcart and he was being a goofball hanging and jumping around the golfcart as I drove. Such a stinker!  He was sooo adorable! Then Trevor kind of left, probably felt Awk. And then it was just me and Carsy!! He turned the light off and locked the door and turned on the lamp and you already know what happens from there.

Our fourth time.

I grew tired and kind of sad.

I was thinking about what life would be like if he and I had a baby at our age. It would be so different. I wouldn't have to go to school, unless I made a fuss about wanting to. I know I wouldn't want to live with mom. So where would I go? How would things be? If he got me pregnant, I would always have an connection with him. Always.

He made me snap out of it.

He was talking about some things and made a comment.

"I don't wanna be a daddy yet." You randomly sad that.

I grew silent.

Just something about that sentence. I kind of just let him do whatever after that.

I'm crazy to even think or try and imagine that..

He doesn't need to be a father this young. How stupid am I?

He and I shouldn't be doing this. Why did I let it get this far?

I shouldn't have done this. What happened if we get caught? I couldn't live without him. I would die. And if a little accident happened....

Oh gosh. What have I done?!

It made me sad. I went to cuddle up with him and he looked at me.

"Tori, were you crying?!"

I shook my head. Was I? Why would I be crying?

"No silly, were you?" I asked and he said no.

The whole time we were up there I kept looking at his face, and his eyes. Ugh! Just so beautifully perfect!

Eventually I went home.

I slept well that night.

I honestly couldn't love another human being of thing as much as I love him. Ever.

Oh, tomorrow is our 1month!!

Yay! I wonder if he knows that, or even remembers.