Dear Carson

Its been a long time

12/12/17
Dear Carson,
I left the last chapter with my hatred towards you. But I don't hate you. I don't regret you. If anything, I still need you... but how could I need you if you haven't even been here since 2015? I blame everything on myself.

When I try to remember things, it all seems foggy. But I remember 2 years ago when I was allowed back into your life after everything that had happened between us. I have a hard time recalling dates and the exact time frames, but I know it was about eight months after separation.

I was across the street at Brandon's house with Trevor. We were singing songs while Brandon played his piano. The three of us were on his driveway. I kept taking glances towards Mimi's house, wondering if you were there.. and if so, if you were watching. I had lost all hope for us to be together. I had learned to mask my feelings and make myself feel numb... feeling numb was easier than trying to feel anything at all. Trevor was there for me a little more than he had been. I guess he knew how much I was hurting.

But I watched you and Mimi walk down her front porch and into the garage to pops. You all three got onto the golf cart and headed to your dads. I didn't look up because I still felt ashamed. I felt like The Scarlett Letter... everyone knew what we had done.. our parents had met the next night after we all stuck out and sat in Trevor's car. Your parents had seen our texts and called for a parent discussion. That is where your mom went into detail about everything to do with us. I remember driving home and feeling humiliated. My mom has screamed and yelled at me and bashed me for my sins. She never let up on that for awhile.

But I couldn't help but feel like everyone's eyes were boring into my skin. I knew what everyone must have been thinking. So tried to keep my head down when you passed. I remember Trevor whispering in my ear that you had turned the corner already, but I still hadn't looked up. What I found to be strange, is that all three of you had came right back around the corner to mimis and went inside.
Now that I'm trying to remember, I have a memory of me and Trevor messaging Mimi and pouring our hearts out to her. Apologizing to her and asking for forgiveness.. I can't remember if it was that day, or if it was a few days before. I have troubles remembering what her reply once, but it was comforting and made us all cry.

Anyways. Just as we started putting the piano up and getting ready to leave, Mimi called me, Trevor, and Brandon over. I remember my heart racing.. I swore that the whole world could hear it roaring! I was clueless as to why she would be calling us over. I figured that maybe it was because we had upset Carson with being right across the street. Or maybe she was going to tell us to stop hanging around. But instead... she invited us in. She had explained that we were officially allowed back into Carson's life, just no one was allowed to be alone. We would all have to be supervised. Mimi had talked His parents into it! I remember how happy I was and how I had cried some and felt so relieved. And for a long while, I was happy with going to Carson's..
I just was never as close to him as I was ever again. We didn't talk much about our feelings. We always had group of friends with us. I was afraid to be alone with him. I loved Carson. I knew that if I ever had the chance to be alone with him, that I would do everything that I could to get him back. And I knew in my heart, that that couldn't happen. I knew that I would never have Carson Blake ever again. And I didn't.

I learned to keep my distance and not to get too close. Every time that I was with him, I was reminded of my broken heart. I needed a distraction. I needed to just forget. But how could I? Carson had been my world. Trevor reminded me of him. The things I did reminded me of him. My room... reminded me of him. I had to take down all of the pictures and things he had made for me. I even stopped sleeping in my room. It's 2017, and I just now, this week, started sleeping in my room again. Before, I was sleeping on the couch or with my little sister in her room. I just now got the courage to sleep in my room again. I struggled. I really did. And I still do. But I had to do what I had to do. I forced myself to move on. I met James. It was hard at first. I would flinch when he would kiss me or hold my hand. I would tense up when he would lay beside me. I wouldn't tell him that I loved him back for the longest time. I would even cry after he would make love to me and leave the room.

I had felt like I had completely betrayed you, Carson. Especially when I left... when I decided that I needed to leave your life again.. I remember you would fight for my attention. You would try so hard. I felt so guilty. I would always stop by for a few, then tell you I had to go that I was going to see James... you would grab my wrists, take my phone, hide my keys, even sit on the hood of my car so I couldn't leave. I had to fight every urge to not stay. I could feel my heart breaking all over again. I hated doing it to you. I really did. But I had to. I couldn't be led on.. and I knew that we would never be together again. It was torture not kissing your lips or being as close to you as I was. I had to do it... I couldn't hold you back in your life.. I even let you down and walked out on our duet for Allstate because I just couldn't... not because of the stage freight, or because I thought I wasn't good enough, or even the remembering of the lyrics... I couldn't do it because it was making me fall for you. I chose to leave in order to protect myself... in order to help you grow and move on. In order to forget who I am. I walked out because I couldn't bare to stay. I couldn't do it to you. I had to hurt you one last time so that you could forget me.. I read all the journals that you posted. I read every little word. It killed me to see how much you were struggling. It broke me. I hated leaving you alone and clueless. But I had to do it! I couldn't have you! I couldn't be yours ever again, Carson... and I hope you don't hate me for it. I hope you understand... and I hope you are okay..

When you started high school, I saw you everyday. Even if you didn't see me. I watched you walk to halls and smile. I watched you laugh with friends and grow. I watched you succeed. I watched how happy you looked in your new life. It was hard not coming around anymore.. but I knew it was for the best. I still wish I could be there. I still wish that I could have deep conversations with you like I use to before. I wish I could laugh with you again. But I can't.

I don't believe in love dying. I don't. I believe in time. Time can mask what someone feels. Time can help someone learn to forget. It can allow a person to figure out how to pretend that everything is okay. Time can help a person become an even stronger person, and learn to put on a mask long enough to make it through the day, until you can go home, curl up in a ball, and cry until you have no more tears left. I l knew that in time, Carson would forget me. He would forget us. He would learn how to live without me. I knew that he was strong enough to. He was stronger than me.. that's for sure. I wish I could tell him all that has happened without him. I wish that I could still come over to see him. I wish he knew that I still, almost four years later have everything that you gave me in a box, sitting on my shelf, hidden behind clothes in my closet... all except for the heart pillow... I ripped it up one night out of anger and couldn't put it back together. It wasn't until this year, that I took down all of our pictures that I had pinned to a board in my room. Last year, I finally had the courage to delete the pictures of us in my phone.

Love, is pain. And there is no way around it. There is no hiding from it. There is no dodging it or forgetting it. It just happens unexpectedly. It doesn't have an age, or a specific size or look.
It doesn't even have a right time. Sometimes fighting for love is all that you can do... but sometimes you have to walk away from it, even if it means you will suffer. I walked away from him to protect him. It has been hell, but I know in my heart that it was the right thing to do, for his benefits.

Once upon a time I loved a boy who was my best friend... but unlike most fairy tales, it didn't have a happy ending.

-Sincerely,
The girl you once loved.