Dear Carson

Hope For Everything

1/3/15:
Dear Carson,
I spent January 1st 2015 with you Bethany, Brandon, and Trevor. Well.. The night time part. I was upset with Trevor so Bethany and I went out around 9:00 to see Brandon and Carson. I loved it! Carson let me and Beth wear one of his beanies. We were all being goofy and talking. Carson kept coming up behind me and just.. He was being precious. He licked my neck and whispered in my ear(another thing I love) "I know what you like now." He was referring to our whisper chat. It sent chills all over. Eventually he said he had to go back to Mimi's. So we were all walking and taking the long way. I was walking slowly behind because I was upset. I didn't want Carson to leave. I wanted him to stay with me. To stay by my side. It made me upset. And I didn't want him to see that either. So I played music and tried my best to be normal. I didn't want him to see me cry. I didn't want him to hear me beg him to not leave me again. So I played music and kept walking. But. I think he knew. I think he knew I was upset. I think he knew the words I wanted to say. I think he knew what I wanted. I would keep my head down so he wouldn't see my eyes. Sometimes you can see the pain in ones, and I didn't want him to see it. He came by me and would hug me but I kept avoiding eye contact and looking down. I would pull his beanie down to cover most of my face. He kept doing things to make me smile. And he even stayed out later than what he was suppose to. He was really sweet! He walked halfway down the street and I yelled his name and held out my arms. He stopped and I ran to him and hugged him really tight.
"I'll sneak out later tonight to see you again." He whispered into my ear.
It made me smile. Then he let go and walked back with Brandon. I watched him turn the corner. Bethany and I began walking back to Grandads. But. I was having a panic attack. I didn't want to be separated from Carson. I was already forced to for three months. I got halfway down our street and collapsed. Bethany was freaking out. She didn't know what was wrong. I wouldn't blame her. I never told anyone about my problem. Sometimes I will freak out then pass out. Sometimes I will get so scared that I throw up. Sometimes I get so nervous that I cry. I don't know why this is. But sometimes I can't stand being apart from a person.. Which is Carson.. Anyways. She just saw me pass out and didn't know what to do. My legs had buckled and I just collapsed. I held up a finger to tell her one second and slowly stood up. But then I started hyper vinalating.. So I showed her the motion for inhaler then pretended to hold a backpack. She took off and got it for me, then helped me to Grandads. Eventually I calmed down enough to breath and pretend to be better. I really wanted to see Carson again.

Somehow I ended up making up with Trevor. He wanted to talk so I told him I would be out in a few. I met him in the yard and he apologized. I forgave him because I honestly didn't want to loose more friends. He and I caught each other up on things. Later around 1:00, Trevor came next door and helped me sneak out. It was freezing out and raining an icy, light rain. We waited in front of Carson's house for 30 minutes texting and waiting for him to come out with Brandon. Eventually Trevor and I walked over and watched them from the window. Carson was ofcourse being adorable and Brandon was attempting to sing on the wii game. I was kind of scared that pops or nanny would come outside and see us. But they never did. We met them by the stairs and walked around the neighborhood. We goofed off and talked about random little things. It felt just like old times. Something I miss more than ever. I think we all miss it. I have a feeling thy maybe they will all come around and let us all hangout again. Until then, we will all find time to do that.
Anyways. It was fun. Trevor and Carson were cracking jokes and I loved it. Seeing them both interacting again. Eventually it was like 3 or 4 in the morning and our legs were exhausted. So we went to Trevor's to sit. I had the idea to sit in his truck so we did. Trev and Brandon were up front and Carson and me in the back. At first I sat a little far from Carson. But somehow it ended with sitting kind of on his lap, his arms around me, and my head laying on his chest. It felt like home. It felt like it was suppose to be. I was scared that he and I would have lost that bond that we had for so long. But we hadn't. I still felt that spiritual attraction to him that I always had all along. And I think he felt it too. He kept being playful and would breath down my neck or bite or lick it. At one point I forgot about everything and leaned up to kiss his cheek but as soon as I did I freaked out because I wasn't sure if it was okay so I blew on his face and pulled back really quickly. Which I now know it was Okay. He didn't mind. But I wasn't sure. I didn't know if he would say "why did you just kiss me?" Or something like that. I guess he misses me as much as I miss him. It just felt so comforting, being cuddled up to him in that truck. He ended up whispering in my ear "let's play the nervous game." I can't even describe the feeling I had as soon as he finished whispering those words. It's like I had tingles everywhere on my body. It reminded me of the feeling I had on his birthday party night when everyone left and it was just him and me and freebies. He waited for me to reply and I nodded and shyly whispered "Mkay!" He would slide his hands on my leggings and just I can't even comprehend. Everywhere his hands went left chill bumps. He was driving me insane! I didn't want him to leave because I have no idea of when I will be able to spend time with him again. It was crazy. The guys would draw pictures on the windows when they fogged up. And eventually the shivering stopped from Carson and I warming each other up. I wanted to kiss him so badly. I missed seeing him all the time and hearing his humor and jokes. I'm hoping we will all meet up again soon. Maybe he can stay at Mimi's a lot more. Maybe on his dads weekends he will have Brandon stay some so he can sneak out through basement door. Or atleast we all have a plan to see each other more. I know this summer it will be easier to do that.
Anyways. The guys wanted to go one to sleep so we all climbed out of the truck. Which was a mistake. It was even colder than before. We were all literally shaking and you could hear our teeth chattering and sometimes you could hear our little noises from how cold it was. You could see our breath in the air too. Carson was so sweet and wrapped his arm around my waist and walked all the way back to Mimi's like that. When we got to her hard he slowly removed it and walked a little behind everyone. I slower down for him, and he took my left hand in his right and held mine. He really did that! It was so sweet and made me not want to let go or let him go inside. He went to whisper in my ear and lightly brushed his lips and kissed my cheek. I reached up with my right hand and pulled his face towards me.. I hesitated at first. I was going to kiss his lips but then again I was afraid that he wouldn't kiss me back.. So I ended up pressing my lips to his cheek for a couple of seconds. I now wish I would have kissed his lips. Trevor and I watched them go back inside. I gave Carson a quick wave before heading back to Grandads.
"That was fun." Trevor said.
"I know! I MISS them so much!" I replied.
"You mean Carson." Trevor said knowingly.
"Yes.." I chattered.
"You know, You two got pretty quiet in the back at one point.." Trevor shot me a sly smile.
"Shut up." I replied.
"You're welcome."
"For what?" I asked.
"For not saying anything."
I made a face at him and he laughed.
"I know this is weird to say but I really think you and Carson were meant to like live forever and ever together."
I stopped walking. "You really think that? Why?"
"You guys just get along so well and are so much alike. And I can tell y'all both love each or we more than you think..." I was quiet. Trevor stretched.
"You know he loves you right? Even if he doesn't say it. Even if you don't think it. He does. I know he's hurt you but he may have felt it was something he had to do. But I honestly don't think he's going to do that again to you." I looked away and kept walking.
"I think he's probably going to try and figure out a way for us to all see each other again.. And a way for you two to be together."
"Trevor. Stop talking." I said. "It's cold."
We kept walking and didn't really say another word.
"Goodnight." I said.
"Goodnight! You know I'm right!" He called back.
Maybe he was right.
All I know is maybe 2015 is not so bad after all.