Dear Carson

Moree

July 21, 2014

Dear Carson,

So much has happened. The reality has just sunk in. We flirt, cuddle, hug, sit in laps, and even kiss still, yet we are not dating... Why are we not dating? The reality is, you probably will never date me again... But... Why?

August 4th, 2014

Dear Carson,

I haven't written in awhile. I've been lost on and off all summer. I do know, I couldn't be any happier with summer. I was able to spend pretty much every day with you. But sadly, that will be coming to an end. School, is starting back, next Monday. I'm scared of going back to depression like my freshmen year. I can't have you hurting me any more than I already am; Or pushing me away again. I'm scared of you talking to other girls, and dating someone new. You not only have one class with Alaina, but, it's also lunch.. You'll be eating with her.. That hurts and bothers me a lot. Why? Because you both had crushes on each other last year... And just.. I hate my life, and myself. I wish I could completely change myself. My looks, body, voice, just everything, to exactly what you would want in someone... Just so you would choose me to love, and no one else. You have no idea of how much I love you.. I don't know of anyone else like me. Who else would still hang onto a guy who broke her six months ago? And still hope, that maybe he will change, and maybe he will realize how much he is loved by one, and maybe he will want to love her back. I know you won't. But it doesn't mean I will move on. I just can't. I don't know what to do with myself. If I honestly can't have you, then I don't want to live. I love, us. I love, you. Everything. You literally don't have any flaws, or anything to be changed about yourself. You are perfect. I think we have a friends benefit thing going on, or a using me thing. Because, I know we are not dating, but you will still hug me, and kiss, and just lots more... I'm not sure of why, if you say you don't have any crushes at the moment, or anything. I just don't understand it at all. I'm not really going to complain, because at least I'm close to you. I wish it was more.. But, it won't be. I guess you will never love me the way I want. I wish, I could let you see yourself through my eyes, my heart, my spirit, my mind, my thoughts...that way, you'd truly understand of what you are to me. Lately you have been snapping at me, and it scares me. A lot. We use to be so much more playful, but lately, if I try to be, you tell me to stop. It's like you are the only one that can be playful now, and I can't be. I'm not excited about school either. I honestly hate it. I wish it could be summer 14' you N me forever. But it won't be. All I know is, I will miss you. Terrible. I guess my life will never get any better. It just won't. My heart aches again. And, I'm beginning to go back to complete sadness. I'm sorry. For all of this. I'm sorry. So sorry.

Te Amo', Carson.

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4:15

You finally texted me first! Usually I have to text you first! Ugh.