The Darkness in my Mind

40.

I like to keep myself busy so I don't have to think, I like to keep my mind full meaningless conversations and empty tasks. I don't like to think, because when it gets dark and super quiet and my mind is empty that's when the pain settles in. that's when my mind starts to work and I think of all those that got away, I think of you. I don't know why but I think of you and how I miss you, oh how I miss you. You smile and you laugh, your amazing voice and your nice hugs. I know you don't miss me or think of me because if you did you would call or text or try to talk to me, but you don't. I miss the past I miss being young and carefree I miss those days where we would just play around and hang out I miss the days where my friends would come over, I miss the days when everything was okay, I fucking miss it. I miss the past I miss the good days I miss all my friends and the stupid shit we used to do, I fucking miss it. Man it hurts, I want to go back to yesterday back to when it was all okay back before I lost so many friends back before I began feeling lonely all the time, I just want to be okay. I don't like this I don't like right now. It hurts and I just want to be carefree, I want to be able to text my friends without worrying about how the past used to be. I fucking miss everyone, all those that I lost. I hate when it gets silent, the silence kills me and hurts so much I cannot handle it. I don't want to think but all I can think about is the past and all that ive lost and this everlasting pain the just creeps into my soul. Man it hurts so much sometimes, it just hurts. I don't want to handle this, I just want to let go of the pain. I want to talk to you I want to ask you a question but im so scared of the response, im not ready to let go yet im not ready, im afraid that you have already let go and I want to live in this constant ignorance but I know I should find out the truth. I should see where we stand.