The Darkness in my Mind

44.

Asking for help is so hard when you've gotten shot down so many times. I feel like every time I gathered the courage to say something I was meet with silence and judgment, I was criticized and analyzed and people gave me their opinions. I was told that I didn't have time to get help, that my symptoms didn't seem that bad, I was told that I didn't need help, that their support was more than enough, their support that consisted of tell me I was weak for my coping strategies. I was told that there was nothing wrong with me, that I could get help if I wanted but I didn't fit the mold of what it means to not be okay. It was always as if people didn't want to see the damage that was done on my life, it was as if people didn't want to hear what was wrong, why would the, ignorance is bliss and when I put up that mask to hide the cracks beneath the surface it was easy to just see the lie that was projected. I don't want someone to look at me and criticize what I tell them. I just want somebody to listen to what I'm saying. I just want someone to see the signs of the trauma that my life has been. I just want someone to acknowledge that I'm strong, I want someone to see what I've handled and how I've handled it on my own and I want someone to just tell me that they are proud, I want someone to tell me I'm strong and that I will get better, that it will get better. I just want help but every time I reach out and ask for it, I'm turned down. So tell me what I'm supposed to do. I've cried myself to sleep, I've self medicated, I've turned to alcohol and pills, I've hurt myself, tore at my own skin for some relief. I've done a lot and I feel like I'm done. I don't know what else to do, I don't know who else to turn to or how to work up the courage to get help once again. I don't want to be judged, I just want someone to hold my hand and look into my eyes and tell me that my feelings are valid that I'm not alone anymore that they will help me get better. I just want to get better. Is that a lot to ask for? Just wanting to feel better? To not have trouble breathing when I'm scared, to not be so very tired all the time, to actually be able to speak to other human beings, to love myself and my body, to actually feel like living again, to have any form of desire again. Just tell me is it too much to ask? I just want to be normal. I see people that are suffering actually, people that have been diagnosed and I see how they are able to function in the world, they are able to have friends and they're able to go out and they're able to breathe. And here I am stuck and confused and bottled up, with urges to feel pain to experience what it means to be alive. I've come to realize that this is not something I can run from, its something that follows me. I've run out of places to run to, people to turn to. I don't know how to get better, I don't know where to get help from. I just don't know anymore.