The Darkness in my Mind

52.

This world, this reality, these experiences and just existing is too difficult for me, I just don't think I'm cut out for it. I feel like im always in a state of anxiousness, like I am always on edge, it used to just be me being unable to relax and just very tense all the time, my shoulders tight, mind racing just always on. Now it's beyond the inability to relax, it is like I am always on edge, always scared and nervous, there is adrenaline running through me, I cannot not be scared, and there is nothing to fear really, it is just every single thing ever, any deadline any expectation any commitment, anything in the future that needs to be done has me freaking out. I feel like I am shaking and those 'butterflies' are every present to the point where they aren't even considered butterflies, they are just my constant state of shakiness. Sometimes I hate this more than I hate the depression and the attacks of despair it brings, a lot of the time with depression I am numb, I don't feel good but I don't feel bad either, I just do not care about anything at all, I don't cry, I don't get upset but I don't feel truly happy either, it doesn't feel like im alive but just like im existing and that is annoying and I feel like it'll drive me nuts but I can handle it, it is feeling nothing and that can be handled but this what I am feeling now, I don't know how to handle that, it is a constant state of hyper-awareness, of constantly being scared and aware of everything around me, of never being able to relax and when I am "relaxed" I actually am not, I am just zoned out and out of touch with reality because I am numb. What people say about not being able to remember how it feels to be happy, how it feels to be okay is true. I could count on one hand the amount of times I remember being happy, I don't remember how it feels but I know I felt it in that moment but I start to doubt it, was I really happy in that moment, how did I really feel, was the rain bringing me down was I actually happy or just not sad, did it actually happen like that. My memories are all jumbled up and in flux, I don't remember stuff from my childhood as I have always just deemed it as normal, less than actually, it wasn't sad but it wasn't overly amazing, I was asked to grow up too fast, never throwing tantrums, never demanding stuff, never making mistakes for fear of the repercussions, I'm not saying it was bad, just that it wasn't without worry or care. Actually lets talk about that, I act as if I don't care or worry about anything but people don't see it for what it is, it is recklessness, not wearing a belt in the back seat because I think I'm invincible because I'm under the impression that ill die when I decide it, but also that I am numb, I actually don't care, I physically cannot bring myself to care about anything. But at the same time I am on edge about everything.