The Darkness in my Mind

46.

I tell you what you want to hear, it is not longer about the truth or being open about what is going on in my life, it is more about keeping you happy. A lot of the time I feel like I am the adult, the parent. You tell me all your problems and I give you advice, you need me to go places with you, you tell me about your mental health problems, all the gossip in your life. It gets too much to handle at times. I have to put my life and my problems aside because it is all about you. Anything I do say doesn't matter because you will turn the situation to tell me how that makes you feel, well newsflash when I tell you about my woes you are supposed to support me not tell me how much it has hurt you. If I tell you I cant handle school and I need a break and I'm breaking down and crying to you about it you are not supposed to tell me how much MY LIFE DECISION AND MY WOES have hurt you, you are supposed to make sure I am okay.

Pause for a second and actually think about everything, tell me when you have acted like an adult or a parent. Think about you actions and reactions to situations, think about how easy life has been for you, just think for a second, reflect on it. Then notice how I have always had to bend for you, notice how I have kept secrets to keep you happy, notice how I do your parenting job for you, just notice it all for a second.

Everything you say affects other people a lot, you may not think it is that significant but the things you have said are what cause me to have to stay in the dark. You tell me how hard it is for you to deal with your anxiety, how the smallest things set you off, how me going off to university set you off, notice that telling me that makes me feel guilty, and makes me feel like I have to walk on eggshells. You constantly say how can kids be stressed they have nothing to be stressed about, you ignore the symptoms and declare that they are caused by other external factors. How can I come talk to you about anything when you will just automatically dismiss it.

Your life seems good, and in turn my life seems perfect but have you ever stopped and noticed that it is all smoke and mirrors, that behind all the illusions and smiles and fakes laughs and its alrights that it is horrid and dark and empty and there is just despair.