The Darkness in my Mind

51.

I've realized that my closet is where I feel safe, if I am freaking out I can hide there. No one will look here, no one knows I am here. In this moment I'm not in the world, it's like they say if a tree falls in the forest and there is no one to hear it does it make a noise, if I'm not where I'm supposed to be and if no one knows where I am do I exist? Do my problems exist? I am hidden from the world and it makes me feel safe, I am truly alone. It feels okay, I can't say it feels good because it doesn't but it is sort of an escape from all the noise all the pressure all the pain and all the failure. For some reason my mind believes that if I don't think about it then it isn't happening. I have this false reality where if I don't think about it then it won't happen but the reality is that it will happen, time doesn't stop dealing with it is inevitable and that makes me want to die. I have this script in my head about what I can say to ma, all the words to put forward to show her truly how I feel and how much this hurts and how it just keeps getting worse and how it makes me what to die. And the reality is that I have made plans, I may not follow through but it is very real if I really break then I might end it all, I can. As the time goes on all the reasons to stop fade away. How am I supposed to tell my mom that I want to die. She will not understand, it is something that you can't understand unless you are there. The thing is that I'm not scared of dying anymore it's an endless black hole but that's how my life is starting to feel now. What's the point it is the same existence except in death I will truly feel nothing no fear no worry nothing. It is starting to sound better and better.