The Darkness in my Mind

66.

All I want is to live, to actually live but I don't know if that will ever happen. I don't know I'll ever be able to do that. And because I don't think I'll be able to do that I feel like giving up, what is the point to keep fighting for something that does not feel like will ever happen. Why am I still here through all this if I won't be able to get the one thing I want.

It used to seem reachable. It used to feel like I could get that, do that. But I'm fighting a losing battle and I cant see the light at the end of the tunnel, so tell me what is keeping me going. What should keep me going. What do I do, how do I get myself to hold on through this when I can't even get through the day. How?

You know it really starts at one place and snowballs it's not like a slow motion train wreck but more like erosion. You start off with so much and it just wears at you and wears at you slowly and you are both aware of how you are losing yourself and the severity of it really only hits you when it is almost all gone.

Want and hope and love are slowly worn away. There is nothing of you left. You are nothing, you go from being a mountain to just a rock not alive but just existing for the benefit of others.

Is that any kind of existence?

Why would I want to exist, be alive in a world like that.

I've lost my light, my will, my hope, my strength, myself.

But I am not weak. I am strong. Having survived myself, I think that makes me strong.

But I am in a burning building, I can either stay here and burn slowly but surely dying painfully or I can jump, I can fly or fall and die but it seems better than this certainty.

So what do I do?

When I have no more left of me, when I have be lost, when I have been eroded.

What do I want? What do I do?