The Darkness in my Mind

48.

This isn't just sadness, if it was wouldn't I just do something to make me happy. If external events or places or people were the cause of my "sadness", wouldn't I just change where I was, couldn't I just move, or cut people out or deal with the events. If I was just sad I could stop it, I could do something to stop it. But I can't, because I'm not just sad. I'm numb, I have no motivation, I have no hope, no drive, nothing to push me forward to tomorrow.

Being depressed is not just being sad. It's having no motivation, having no drive, no goals, not aspirations, no hobbies, it is having nothing. You are just a shell of a person just existing you have nothing, you are empty and numb.

When people say depression is sadness, that is not true, sadness implies that there is something causing the sadness but that isn't the case. If there is something causing the sadness you remove that thing from your life and you should be happy again. But with depression nothing you do will help you, it just does not go away not matter where you are no matter what you do and no matter how hard you try. And the reason that is the case is because it is not caused by anything, it is in your bones, in your mind, it envelops you like a sheet of darkness sort of like a blanket, it seeps into your skin, weaving itself into every part of your existence. It is inescapable.

Depression is an all consuming force that will suck you up, drain out every ounce of power, of will, of hope, of motivation. You become nothing. And the worst part is it doesn't just suck you up and leave. No. It sticks around. Ever persistent, hanging like a shadow over every part of your life. You continue to exist but you are nothing .