The Darkness in my Mind

43.

I feel so hopeless without any goals, I have nothing to look forward to, nothing to achieve, no motivation. I am just a shell of a human being, I am going through the motions, not well if I do say myself, I am empty, I have no personality, I have nothing. I know it may sound stupid to be so utterly hopeless but we all have something we love, something we want, and all I wanted in life was to travel, to see the world and to meet new people, to experience cultures and help people around the world, that's all I wanted and I was told that I cant do that because they aren't ready to let me go. Do you know how much I resent them for that? They are taking away my life and my decisions away from me because they are selfish and I hate them for that. ITS MY LIFE AND ITS MY BODY, ITS MINE BUT I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER IT. I'm tired, I have come to realize that I cant run away from all this, that it is my surroundings its me, no matter where I go or what I do, I cant handle this. I'm still guna hate myself and my body, I'm going always feel suffocated, I'm always going to feel worthless, I have no reason to live, I just wanted to travel, that's all I've ever wanted. But I cant, I'm attached to other people and I have no control over my own life and I cannot handle this. I see my friends and my cousins and so many other people living their lives and functioning and having control of their own lives and here I am still suffocated no matter where I go, and I don't want to die like I'm so scared of what happens after and I hold out an inkling of hope that maybe one day ill get to control my life, that ill get to be happy but sometimes I just want to die because what's the point, I'm not even living. I'm just going through the motions and not even that, I don't leave my room, I don't go to classes, I am not even taking care of myself, I isolate myself, I don't even talk, I cut myself out of society. I just exist. I don't enjoy anything, I cant go swimming because I'm just so self conscious, I just read books listen to music and watch tv but even that I don't want to do. Sometimes I want to do something but I don't want to watch any of those shows, I don't want to listen to any of those songs, I don't want to read any of those books, I want to eat food but I don't want to eat any of those foods. And the thing is I cant tell my friends because I seem fine and they have their problems and I feel like if I try and say something then they are just going to think I'm saying it to like fit in or something and I've been invalidated so many times that actually saying something to someone is so hard because I cant handle anyone's disgust or skepticism or disbelief or being called weak or someone saying its not that bad or someone asking how. I just am, I am hopeless, I am anxious, I am weak, I am stupid, I am a loser, I am a loner, I am a piece of shit, I am fat, I am ugly, I am worthless, I am a bitch, I am a horrible person, I am unlovable, I am boring, I am a tease, I am a slut, I am a whore, I am broken, I am sad, I am tired, I am not motivated, I am not going anywhere in life, I am a disappointment, I am not even human. I want to die but I cant even do that right.