IMPULSE [KiefLy]

Chapter 1

October has come and it's cramming time for me. Time to speed up with review because December is just around the corner, the time to take the Nurse Licensure Examination.

And just when I am decided to take things seriously, ay siyang oras din kung kailan magbabago ang lahat. Out of routine. Out of my league.

Almost all my blockmates took the NLE last June, me and some distant blockmates decided to take the December schedule instead. Sa paniniwalang I needed the much needed break after graduation, the much needed rest after four years of hell in nursing. After all those round the clock shifting schedules, the memorizations, group research studies, community immersions, at walang katapusang pagsusulat.

All along I thought I made the right decision, kaso hindi. While I'm having my review, yung close friends ko naman eh napili ng mag volunteer sa nearby hospitals. At kapag day off nila, ano pa nga ba at ako ang naiisipan nilang dalawin, guluhin actually. We started hanging out at coffee shops, mag ikot ikot sa mall, hanggang sa gabi gabi na naming nakasanayan mag bar, uminom, magyosi, at umaga na kung umuwi. Free spirited, happy go lucky, that's what we were.

Those were the times that I learned to explore the real world, out from school, out from the comfort of home. Napapilit kong payagan ako ng mga magulang ko na umupa ng apartment, and I used the reason that it was nearer to the review center and that I could concentrate more with studying. Living independently gave me access to explore myself more. I learned "adulting" in the perspective that I chose to.

I grew up na lahat abot kamay, lahat ng gusto ay walang kahirap hirap na makukuha, spoiled brat as they say, but one thing I was deprived of, was freedom. My parents were so strict and overprotective, kaya ganun ang galak ko nang payagan nila akong bumukod. But as what elders would say, too much of something is bad.

October 14, 2007, who would have thought that one lazy Saturday would turn out to be the most unforgettable day of my life. I can vividly remember every detail of that scenario, every tear and every scream I made, every instant that I wanted to back out and go home, if only I could turn back time, I would.

Impulsive, that's what I was back then. I think, no scratch that, I decide everything in a finger snap, no worries of tomorrows, of consequences, of outcomes, of end results. But this time, I had to consult everyone before making the most important decision of my life. A single yes, a single signature in a waiver could possibly change our lives, my life in particular.

I don't want to live with what if's, but now, how could I even think of tomorrow when I am not even sure that even if I survive the surgery, I won't survive the side effects post operatively.

Kung dati sarili ko lang ang iniisip ko, ngayon hindi na. I have my Karys, the lone reason why I need to fight this battle.

And speaking of, here she is, always on my side. At a tender age of nine I must say I'm the luckiest to have her. She thinks and acts like an adult, she never gets tired of taking care of me, of making me remember about the things I tend to forget. And she never gets tired of filming me with her, saying that "Mommy, pag may nakalimutan ka, panoorin lang natin to paulit ulit hanggang maalala mo ulit". Oh, my Karys, she's too young to understand everything but she always says that she's my walking diary, my energy booster. Every single day, I get weaker but she will always makes ways to make me laugh, to make things lighter and a wee bit happier for the both of us.

"Mum?" she said while holding the camcorder that was all focus on me.

"Yes baby?"

"Have you decided na po? When are we going to America po? Sige na Mama, pumayag ka na." She pleaded.

"Karys, I'm still thinking about it. At kung papayag nga ako, hindi ka pwede sumama, you have school anak. You can't miss two months, that will be too much."

"But Ma, please? It's for you, huwag mo na isipin muna yung school ko. I have so much time for that."

"And time is something I'm fighting with." I said almost in a whisper.

"Ano po sabi niyo Ma?"

"Wala anak. Anyway, I want you to devote your time on planning for your tenth birthday, okay?"

"Ma, ayoko po ng party or whatever eh. Just a simple one."

"And that is?"

"Gusto ko po mag America with you and Daddy. Mag dodouble digit na yung age ko Mommy so yun lang wish ko. A complete family, and for you to be healed na po. Ma, please pumayag ka na."

"Nak, kasi..", I was cut off mid sentence when someone knocked on the door.

"Daddyyyyy!" sigaw ng anak ko sabay pabuhat sa Daddy nya. "Oops, hello Ms. Nurse" bati niya sa kasunod na nurse na pumasok.

"Karys." I eyed my daughter like giving her a warning tone and a secret message.

"It's okay Ly, hayaan mo na nga si Karys" he told me in an authorative voice.

"So what brought you here, Doc?" I asked him.

"Cut the crap Ly. Hanggang kailan ka ba magmamatigas?"

"Dad, Mum please?" Karys begged.

"O-kay, so why are you here Kief? Di ba you made your doctor's orders for me na? Di mo na kailangan mag rounds pa. It's okay."

"Ly, nurse ka, kilala mo sarili mo at nararamdaman mo. Alam mo lahat ng signs and symptoms, alam mo, alam mo kung ano tinutukoy ko."

I suddenly felt tension in the room. Alam ko ang tinutukoy ni Kiefer. Alam ko at natatakot ako. I have seen all my results and fear is creeping me out.

Shall it be a yes?

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