IMPULSE [KiefLy]

Chapter 13

I was hired as a program coordinator. It was less demanding cause I spent most of my time in front of the computer. The challenging part though was having a strict senior training officer.

Sir Raf was so hard to please at first. Parang lahat ng galaw ko ay bantayado at parang naghihintay na lang siya ng kahit isang pagkakamali ko.

I got even more challenged then. Mas lalo kong pinagbuti. Being busy at work was a great diversion for me, hindi ko na gaanong iniisip ang nakaraan at lalo na si Kiefer.

Maybe Sir Raf got fond of me and saw how I was so persistent and hardworking at work. One day we just found ourselves getting too cozy and comfortable with each other's company. But of course we had boundaries when it came to work.

Unang kita ko pa lang ay ramdam ko na ang pagkatao niya. I had so many gay friends kaya alam ko na paano kumilatis. That was the reason why Raf and I just clicked.

Hindi ko na rin itinago kay Raf ang sitwasyon ko. Sa tuwing nasa trabaho kami at may bigla ako gustong kainin ay siya na mismo ang nagpriprisintang bumili para sa akin.

Naikwento ko rin sa kanya ang mga pangyayari at nangako pa siyang bubugbugin niya ang ama ng anak ko balang araw. Kinukulit pa niya ako kung ano ang buong pangalan ngunit pinili ko na rin itong ilihim.

My first trimester of pregnancy was a peaceful ride for me, except for those extraordinary cravings. Good thing I had Raf and Manang Lydia with me.

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I woke up feeling so alive and vibrant on my 22nd birthday, inaya ko pa si Manang Lydia na magsimba.

We went home after hearing mass to a surprise party prepared by my friends. Natuwa akong makita sila at may pa sorpresa pa silang handog. Halos lahat sila ay bumiyahe papuntang Batangas. 

My parents and only sister, Kianna, drove all the way from Manila too.

Nakilala rin nila si Raf at ilang mga kasamahan ko sa trabaho na malapit sa akin.

The day was filled with fun, laughter and endless conversations. Masyadong kong namiss ang mga kaibigan ko, malayo na rin ang narating ng ilan sa kanila. Masaya ako para sa kanila ngunit hindi ko rin mapigilang sumibol ang kaunting inggit at pagsisisi para sa sarili.

Ngunit ganoon nga yata, tayo ang gumuguhit sa sariling kapalaran natin.

Maghahapunan na noon nang nauna ng tumulak sa byahe ang mga magulang at kapatid ko. Nagpaiwan naman ang mga ilan sa mga kaibigan ko.

Masaya pa kaming nagkakantahan at nagtatawanan nang biglang sumakit ang tiyan ko at may naramdaman akong likido sa mga binti ko.

I ran my fingers in my leg and I saw fresh blood. My friends were alarmed and instantly drove me to the hospital.

I knew I had always been careful, I followed doctor's advice and took the vitamins that were prescribed to me.

The moment we arrived in the emergency room, oxygen inhalation was administered to me right away. I was too scared that moment. I could not afford to lose my baby.

An ultrasound was performed, and thankfully it yield normal results. The doctor explained that I had spotting and preterm contractions.

I was released right after hours of observation. I was just advised to have some complete bed rest and to avoid any strenuous activities. Binigyan rin ako ng gamot na pampakapit.

On my fifth month, I had repeat ultrasound and the ob-gyn revealed that I will be having a baby girl. That got me excited.

Akala ko ay ligtas at magiging maayos na ang pagbunbuntis ko hanggang sumapit ang ika siyam na buwan ngunit ay hindi pala.

When I reached my seventh month, I started having severe headaches and changes in vision.

I was diagnosed with pre-eclampsia or hypertension during pregnancy. I was forced to take an early leave from work because I was scheduled for frequent doctor visits and submitted for series of tests.

The only cure for pre-eclampsia is the delivery of my baby. But of course seven months is too premature yet.

Ginawa ko ang lahat upang maiwasan ang pagpatuloy na pagtaas ng aking blood pressure. Mula sa tamang pagkain at tamang ehersisyo.

But of course I knew that the etiology and main cure is the pregnancy itself.

At hindi makakatulong lalo ang emotional stress noong mga panahong iyon. Ngunit gaano ko man iwasan ay kusang pumapasok sa isip ko na higit na mas okay sana kung may tao akong kaagapay sa lahat.

Ngunit ang malungkot na katotohanan ay wala.

But my parents took an extra effort and stayed in Batangas most of the time so they could monitor me closely.

And I appreciate them so much. Up to the very end it was them who stayed by my side.

Naging magiliw rin ang mga magulang ko kay Raf. He often paid me visits, his jokes were my stress reliever and energy booster.

On my 8th month, the doctor advised me to have short-distance walking exercise in preparation for my delivery.

One fine day, me, my mom and Raf were having our usual walk and good laugh around our village when suddenly I felt my body jerk then all in my surroundings stopped in motion.

The last thing I remembered was that I was in a stretcher being brought inside a room. And the last words were:

"Maam, Sir we need to do an emergency caesarean section, either we save the life of your daughter or your granddaughter.

Then everything else turned white, with beaming lights that were too flashy to be stared at so I chose to close my eyes instead.

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