Our Demons {Kai Parker Book 1}

twenty-six: In Which There are True Feelings

"Well, you look like crap."

Kai stood by the door and stared at her. He was grinning, his heart a lightweight because she finally resembled his Ria.

Gone was the yellow skin stained with blue and purple. Her eyes, although staring out the window, was back to its doe-eyed form.

He stepped into the room and held his arms out. She flickered her stare to him. "What, do I get the silent treatment now?"

He waited for her to answer and when she did, her voice was hoarse.

"I'm a terrible person."

He thought back to what Elena had told him before she had begrudgingly let him upstairs. Ria was blaming herself for everything she said and thought during those few days that she wasn't herself.

He knelt down in front of her.

"Ria," his voice was soft. He reached to hold her frigid hands in his. He couldn't blame her for being spellbound to act a certain way.

Kissing her hand he tried to reassure her. "You know you're not. Look, what happened wasn't your fault. You weren't yourself."

She closed her eyes as tears slipped out. He could do nothing but watch them roll down her cheeks.

She clenched her jaw and pushed him away.

"But I was, okay? I was myself. I could feel it in me for so long, the feeling of anger and hate, wanting to hurt someone, everything I was feeling for all those years just came back and, and I didn't want to stop it. Okay? I was myself! That was me!"

Sometime during her confession, she had begun to cry. She didn't know why she was telling him this, she hadn't even told Elena who was doing everything to console her.

All she knew was that Kai deserved to know that she wasn't as innocent as he thought her to be.

He felt an estranged feeling seeing her cry and grab at her hair. He didn't like it.

"You can't blame yourself for that," he narrowed his eyes when she turned away. He grabbed her arms and forced her to stand in front of him. He traced her cheeks with his thumbs in an effort to calm her. "Hey, if you're going to blame anyone blame me."

But that was the last thing she needed to hear; that she should blame someone else for her thoughts and cravings.

So, she didn't think twice about the words that left her mouth.

"I can't love you anymore."

"What?" He choked out, feeling a heavy weight on his chest.

"I can't love you anymore. Not now or ever. We're not right for each other."

"Ria do not play with me."

"I'm not," she placed a hand on his chest and pushed him away. "I can't become that person again. Not ever. We're not good for each other."

"You mean I'm not good enough for you."

"I just don't want to hurt other people."

He laughed at how ironic her statement was. "How are other people going to get hurt by you and I being together? Ria, I did not spend months thinking about you- going crazy about you- feeling what I feel for you just so you can turn your back on me now. You told me to never abandon you and I never did. That was a promise that I kept."

"But I'm asking you to now," she begged looking up through her lashes. "Kai we aren't good for each other. I'm- I'm not even good for myself right now."

"So we need time." There was pure desperation in his voice, even his eyes were beginning to appear dazed. He held her by the waist, bringing his forehead down against her's. " We can talk and take this as slow as you want to take it. We can restart, hell; we can return back to the prison world if you want to."

She bit the inside of her lip. "I want to be alone Kai. "

"Don't say that."

She couldn't handle the emotions coursing through her. She didn't want to hurt him, but right now she didn't want to feel what she was feeling either.

Every word coming out of his mouth was like a hand gripping her throat and squeezing tighter. She couldn't bring herself to look at his face because in his eyes was a mirror of her deranged face.

He was everything she hated about herself.

She pushed him away from her with force, and she shouted the next words. "I don't love you, why don't you understand? I don't love you, I don't want you near me and-"

He grabbed her arms and shook her. His was was low and the words he spoke came out with a strong threat attached.

"Look me in the eyes. Look me in the eyes, do you feel this, Ria? It's the first time that I have ever felt alive, that I have felt I have a purpose besides killing every last person in the Gemini Coven. I feel that I need to see you, that I need to love you. So if that's how you feel, then I suggest you rip my heart out and kill me like you said you would three days ago. Because if you say it again I won't return. I won't be the person you saved. I won't come back."

Her lips quivered but her stare remained hard and impassive. She let out a shaky breath and glared into his angry eyes.

"I don't love you."