My Detective

Chapter 22- Something Fishy

Leah's POV

Some desks would often occupy by personal picture frames, family photographs or even polaroids that they'd taped beside their gigantic monitor screen but how would I describe mine that would sound wonderful and in deep meaningful context. Exactly none, nothing but a big anthropologie mugs with my initial printed on it and my acrylic clear, rose gold pen holder with random fountain pen inside. Wow, being alone really sucks. Is the first thought draws into my head. As one can conceive, my life is pretty miserable despite having a wonderful job that I love, emptiness is a state of lack that would I feel some nights or days or every minute of the day.

It's the feeling I'm dreading to be felt, once again. Just as I thought I moved past it, life would make me realize how big of a failure I am and by that, I'm back to square one. I've dealt with unbearable pain in my entire life and no one was there but myself, so why am I worrying? In all likelyhood, I thought someone was there to catch me but instead, my hopes went too high, resulting me getting depressed and all that shit. Shit that I don't have time for but still acting up. Isn't ironic how quickly things can change and how feelings can go from being so strong to barely anything. Somehow, it would bother me from time to time but at some point, it would require me to actually move past it, everytime I'm attempting to convince myself to forget it and keep a little positivity in my head, I would picture myself on top of that building, lost and weeping.....worst time of my life.

Nobody thought I was capable of ending my own life, including myself. Tess, along with the rest of my team and friends, knew how strong- willed person I am and would not show my emotions because firstly, that's how I got into this job. Being tough is what requires me to be.

Sorrow, down cast, mournful and just plain miserable when the image of myself infiltrate inside my head. The memory won't leave me no matter how disparing it is, as you can imagine. It's me doing the most hardest decision in my entire life, to jump or to not. Some of you would say how stupid it is which is true, but when you're in that situation....you're just waiting to be saved, because at that moment, I really didn't wanted to die perhaps I've come to realized, I just want to be held, to be loved.

As fresh as the memory in my head, I could still remember how when I tilt my head to look down as I stood irresolutely a moment on the wooden steps of the building looking down the row of hastily constructed barracks, this spot is where my team would often hang out and drink and soon turns out to be a hidden meeting place where I would often go to sit, reminisce, and yell random nasty curses.

Folks would look more like ants to me, scrabbling, hurrying and running through different direction, even though I know they're people. As a matter of fact, I didn't came there to do that on purpose, it's not planned. I went there to drink by myself and smoke but the thought just crossed my mind. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

As beautiful as the view from the top, I thought it would be the last thing I'd see until I felt two arms wrapped in my waist. Right at that moment, I completely shattered, breathing heavily, I even felt a bit dizzy and it didn't took me a minute before I started shredding tears. Tess saved me. Part of me didn't want to be saved but yeah, the bigger part is me wanting someone to catch me from falling, from doing a dumb mistake, and she did.
If you come to think of it, that's one of the big reasons why suicide rates are high as years gone by, they didn't really want to end their lives, just to put it simply, they wanted someone who could understand their suffering. Believe me, if one was there to just listen and to ventout to, you could save someone too. That simple or so I thought. Maybe that's just me talking and being detective.

Moments like this would frequently happen like I told you, I usually spent half of my day dwelling upon things don't deserve a thought. As silence in my office continues I sat mesmerized and dazed, before I heard heavy footsteps approaching my door, at first I had no idea who it was considering my blinds hanging on that door were closed but as soon as it opens, I had shaken me head with a tight grin forming across my full, red lips. Tess gave me the same hint of a playful smirk, biting onto her lower lip as she closes the door behind her. Walking towards me, I didn't quite catch that she was holding a long, brown folder with a paper clip on the side, it was a quick glance before returning my gaze onto hers.