When Jaida Met Kadeem

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You're supposed to stand there and give a speech about all the things you will remember about the person that you have lost. You're supposed to be overwhelmed with the amount of good memories just uttering their name brings you. You are brought back to the significant good moments, as you start to describe all the qualities you will miss, you choke up, your words get stuck in your throat and you can't keep down the tears. You're not supposed to stand there and feel relieved, was it so wrong that I was standing beside the coffin of the father of my child, my first real boyfriend and all I feel is that a weight has been lifted off my shoulders because I knew that a weight had now been lifted off his? He was now free of all the dark thoughts that were brought on from his dark actions. He was gone but the debris of the things he had done was scattered across our lives and we would carry that with us wherever we went. He was lost but now he had finally found peace.

"Janelle don't ever forget what mummy has just said, okay?" I told her as she clung onto me, nodding her head slowly.

"Your daddy was just like everyone else, sometimes he was really bad and sometimes he was really good. And do you know what made him extra good? You, because when he looked at you, he saw an angel. His angel."

"Now he's an angel, like in granny's book," Janelle whispered loudly, referring to the book that Aunty Donna had brought with her from Florida that explained death to young children.

Tiana swallowed hard as she reluctantly tore her eyes away from his coffin and she stared around the church before unfolding a piece of paper, her hands shaking and her face strained with concentration as she began to read her words out into the microphone, "If there is one thing I will always remember about Shane, it was his willingness to get what he wanted, no matter what. He never pretended to be a saint, he never did anything but tell the truth, no matter how harsh it was, he always said what was on his mind. Nobody is perfect and Shane simply emphasised that in the things he did. He loved fiercely and was passionate about everything and everyone he cared about."

When Rex went up to the front of the stage to give his speech, I could not help but notice how ridged and uncomfortable he looked in his suit. He cleared his throat multiple times before he began, "On my fifth birthday Shane blew out the candles of my cake. I remember being in the dark for a few seconds and listening to him chuckle in my ear because that was what Shane did, he liked to test my patience, he liked to challenge me. I grew up with the guy he was like my brother. The Campbell family, you lot are like my extended family. I had a lot of love for my brother despite our differences. We chose to lead different lives, but we walked down the same pavement together to go to school, we saw the same things growing up. On my twenty-second birthday, Shane blew out the candles of my cake again. I don't think I'm going to come out of the dark this time, though." Rex finished, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down as he swallowed hard. I slowly sat up straight as I digested his words, my eyebrows furrowing slightly as he walked back to his seat. My eyes lingered on him as a wave of affection ran through me and all I wanted to do was run towards him and envelope him in a big, comforting hug. But I suddenly felt restricted like I wasn't allowed to do that anymore.

It had been two weeks since we last spoke but it had felt like a lifetime, as if so much has changed in the short time that we had not communicated. I watched Taylor squeeze his shoulder comfortingly when he had sat back down on his seat, his head down as the Pastor resumed his preaching, his slow, sympathetic tone echoing around the church. I held onto Janelle tightly for comfort.

When we were at the burial site, a few more words are said, words that complimented and praised him, words that were patronising and sugar coated the truth, words about his childhood, words that spoke about his death before his death because in my eyes. Shane had died a very long time ago.