When Jaida Met Kadeem

37

 

Chapter One Hundred and Eleven

 

Brianna Celesta Fernandez

 

 

 

 

 

Not really sure how to feel about it,

Something in the way you move,

Makes me feel like I can't live without you,

And it takes me all the way,

I want you to stay...

Rihanna feat. Micky Ekko - Stay

I never thought I could relate to songs like this, I never believed a song like this could form such a connection with me, I feel the words of this song as if the song was personally written for me and the situation that I was in, I let the song play back over and over again until it was suddenly all too much, until I felt sick of the way I was feeling.

This isn't Brianna I do not let people get to me like this I do not listen to Rihanna ballads and suddenly feel overwhelmed with the urge to cry. I do not cry. Not over stupid boys anyway.

I pause momentarily as I think about the words I have used to describe him.

This is Jamal I am referring to here, he is not just some stupid boy – not always anyway – this is the guy I love and I have loved since I was, what, thirteen years of age? I mean, we have been through so much together, we brought a child into this world, we've spoken about marriage, we have constructed a very detailed plan of our future and a large family, and when these words spewed out of his mouth they just sounded all too good to be true, it seemed so perfect but when I looked into his warm brown eyes I saw sincerity, eagerness and this sense of determination that just seduced me into naivety, that just urged me to let go of the harshness of reality and just allow myself to dream and believe in a happy ending.

It was only recently I had admitted this to myself that I actually believed you could get the guy of your dreams, settle down have a couple kids and boom, that's it – happily ever after - like a modern day fairytale. But as I allowed my eyes to register my surroundings, my untidy bedroom, his clothes dotted all over the floor, spilling out of the wardrobe, my make-up and cosmetics splayed across the dressing table, the crumpled sheets on the double bed we had to construct ourselves by pushing together two of the single beds that our landlord had provided us when we first moved in, I just couldn't see the future that we had talked about ever becoming more than just talk. The harsh reality of the situation was now staring us blatantly in the face. This just isn't fun anymore, it isn't cute anymore and I am seriously wondering whether the love we felt for each other has disappeared along with the fun and cuteness too.

 

I lay in bed for a long time finding it oddly comforting listening to these depressing slow jams, I scoffed and shook my head at myself. I had become Jaida, this is some sh'it she would do. This isn't how I normally deal with a situation, when did I become such a girl? What annoyed me the most was the fact that even though I had acknowledged what I was doing, I could not help but scroll through the songs on my iPod, ignoring all my up tempo songs and focusing purely on those slow, classic R&B songs. I shook my head as I let Ne-Yo – So Sick began to fill my ears.