When Jaida Met Kadeem

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I lay in my bed on my back staring at the ceiling trying to pinpoint exactly what it was about Shane that made him so appealing to me, when did my opinion of him suddenly shift and I began to see him in a different light? Why had a managed to tolerate so much from him in our teenage years which resulted in me moving out of my home with my aunt and living with him for almost two years, putting up with his abuse, bearing his child and still after becoming tangled in the complications that he caused I still considered getting back together with him.

Shane.

There are so many negative moments that stain his memory, so why is it so difficult to accept that he is gone? Why is part of me not relieved that I no longer have to deal with him, he had hurt me in ways I did not think were possible, he has put me in situations I assumed could not possibly happen to me. Shane made the impossible, possible. He had the ability to make you feel two opposite emotions at the exact same time.

Hate and...love. And despite everything that he did to me, my friends and my family, I cannot help but break of a small section of my heart and hesitantly hand it to him, I cautiously watch him as he examines the small section I handed him, obviously not satisfied with what he received, he wants more...he wants it all but still shrugs his shoulders and decides to settle with what he's been given, he'll find a way to destroy the small piece he has been granted. Like I said, Shane made the impossible, possible.

It did not matter how much I attempted to make myself comfortable in my bed, I could not get myself to fall asleep, my mind was clouded with questions, with my own assumptions of the situations that had unfolded two nights ago at Rex's birthday party I did not understand what was going on. All I knew is that deciding to be by myself was not helping. I did not want comfort, but I also did not like being alone with my thoughts because no matter how much I tried I could not organise them, they simply swirled around my head in a confusing and unclear fog. I was confused, flustered, upset and angry. I was unable to comprehend Shane's reasons for suicide. I felt lost and off key, I could not understand why this had hit me so hard, a part of me was missing and I wanted it back, although he was never really here I wanted him back. I wanted to know that he was living and breathing, he was on the road to redemption. He was accepting the responsibilities of his actions and working towards becoming a better person. This also made me realise Shane had a bigger impact on my life than I thought and I could not simply dismiss him with the title of being the father of my first child...he was in fact my first real boyfriend, my first real attempt of love...the fact that he exposed me to so much negativity taught me exactly what I would not tolerate from a man in the future. I had to go through Shane to realise exactly what I wanted and needed out of a relationship, because if it was not Shane...it would have been someone else.

I remember at some point in the night drifting off into a brief sleep, my dream was very vague, I woke up unable to recall exactly where I was and how it led to me embracing Shane, his hug was strangely comforting, his scent stirred feelings that had not emerged since I was fifteen years old.

I felt fifteen in the dream, maybe I was. Because I was happy to see him, his presence sent my hormones soaring, my lips stretching into a wide smile and my eyes closing as I shut out the rest of the world and simply focused on us, our bodies pressed against each other, his arms wrapped around my waist while I clung onto his neck and burrowed my head into the crook of it. There was no speech, just silence. My body yearned for him I needed him and missed him. I wanted him here.

Shane.

My eyes snapped open as I acknowledged in my dream that I was dreaming as our actions – or should I say my actions – were so out of character, I would never hug him that tightly now, I was repulsed by his presence now, I could never be yearning for him or miss him, not after everything he had done. He claimed to love me but his actions represented a person who would do anything in his power to destroy me, like making me miserable came to him like a natural instinct. Shane did not care for me he simply wanted me to care for him...he wanted complete control over me.