When Jaida Met Kadeem

28

Baby, are you alright?" Daniel's deep voice seeped through my eardrums but did not have the effect of interrupting my racing thoughts, of slowing down my suddenly increased heart rate and from stopping me from feeling faint. I swallowed hard while I continued to stare in to space, my Blackberry still glued to my ear although the line had gone dead several minutes ago. I heard footsteps slowly making their way towards me, my head was still ringing by the news I had heard, my heart beating so fast it was physically making me sick, my body feeling so light and shaky I was sure my knees were going to buckle and give way. Just in time Daniel had made his way across the room over to me, I clung onto him desperately in an attempt to regain my balance. "Jay, what's wrong?" Daniel's voice demanded while I breathed in and out quickly and shallowly as I was suddenly short of breath.

"Um," I began as I ran my fingers through my hair, tears pricking my eyes threateningly as memories of when I was fourteen years old began to play vividly in my head, a wave of affection ran through me as I remembered just how important this person was to me and how even after everything that has happened, every argument and bad word exchanged, through all the heartache and betrayal, he was still Shane, the father of child and my first real attempt of a boyfriend. My eyes finally met Daniel's eyes which gazed back into mine warmly, he looked extremely concerned his eyes shifting around my face as he studied my facial expression trying to figure out what was wrong. I heaved out a heavy sigh as I struggled to hold back the tears – should I cry? Should I even care? My bottom lip began to tremble violently, I sunk my teeth into it to try and stop this but I couldn't hold on anymore. I burst into quiet tears my head slowly lowering onto Daniel's shoulder blade he instantly wrapped his arms around me, comforting me quietly.

"Baby, I'm here whenever you want to talk about whatever is making you cry," he said quietly. I simply nodded and sniffled as I slowly moved away from him as I was in serious need of a tissue. A sickly sensation had settled in the pit of my stomach and seemed as if it was not going away any time soon. I briefly glanced over to the sofa Janelle had fallen asleep on, her arms and legs sprawled all over the it, her head resting gently on the sofa arm, her mouth moving vigorously as it sucked violently onto her dummy. She was so beautiful, I couldn't believe I could feel so much love for someone like I did for Janelle, a love so selfless, I would give up my life for her, she deserved it, she could do something amazing with it, she was still so young but I believed in her already, I just wanted her to be happy, I wanted her to live a good life and if I have to suffer, struggle...injure myself in the process of making that happen, then so be it. When my mother was alive it was always me and her against the world, she did everything she possibly could for me, we struggled a lot but I was happy, it taught me never to take anything for granted, I always remembered to show my gratitude and say thank you and although we didn't have the money for certain things at the time when it came out my mother would always ensure that I got the item I desired one day. She never let me down, she was fighter in my eyes she was truly superwoman. Now I think about it, maybe she wasn't as happy as she led on...maybe things had finally started to get to her. Her boyfriend was made redundant and was struggling to find a new job, she had recently discovered that she was pregnant again and I do not recall her being over the moon about it, although Cliff, my mother's boyfriend was, he could not stop smiling, I remember how he scooped my mother into his arms and spun her around our small living-room. The smile on my mothers face was big, but lacked enthusiasm. I knew she wasn't as excited but I thought it was because it was unplanned and she was still in a state of shock. I should have known something was wrong...I should have seen it then...no-one knew her better than I did so why didn't I know? I could have stopped it.

As I looked at Janelle I made a promise to myself that I would never leave her, I wanted her to love me like I loved her, depend on me and know that she would never be let down, I wanted her to know that I was here for her always, I was her home, her security and the person who would give her guidance. And I also wanted her to know and love her father, despite all the things that he had done I wanted her to know who her Dad is because he loves her, I have never seen Shane shed emotion so openly to another human being like he has for Janelle, from the day she was born, I remember the look on his face...it was reasons like that I fell for Shane, when I saw the goodness in him hidden behind the hard, rough surface. I heaved out another sigh before shuffling towards my room in search for a Kleenex, Daniel followed closely behind me. I noted how my heart rate had not yet returned to its normal pace and I was still feeling shaky. I pulled out several tissues from the Kleenex box I kept on my bed-side table before using it to wipe my wet cheeks and blow my nose before sighing once more as I disposed of my tissues in the bin. Daniel watched me silently as I did this, I looked up at him expectantly and in response he opened up his arms and I walked back into them, squeezing my eyes shut as more hot tears began to run down my cheeks uncontrollably.