Pensieve - Wolfstar Fanfiction

15

October 25

I'm in that hole again. The hole where it's dark and cold, and where even the warmth of Remus can't make me feel any better.
Sometimes I think about death. It's scary how much I think about it, really. And it's scary how nobody really seems to notice how seriously shitty I feel.
Remus does. He's about the only one. James would normally make a shitstorm about this, as he's the ultimate mum friend, but now he's too busy fussing over Lily. I bet he does care, though. He would show it if he had any time for that, and I'm kinda glad that he doesn't.
Peter has noticed too. He asked about it last week, I told him I was just tired. He didn't force me to be honest. I like that about Pete, how he doesn't push people out of their comfort zones like James does. Fucking Prongs, I feel like we've started to grow apart.

I hate the way Remus looks at me. The worry in his eyes, it makes me feel sick to know that I caused it.
The last full moon was pretty hard on him. He broke his arm again, but madam Pomfrey got it fixed in hours.
He has too much shit in his life already, I don't want him to worry about me too. But he does, because he's a fucking decent person, and maybe a bit too solicitous boyfriend.

It had been a long time since Sirius wrote to his diary. Actually, he hadn't done so since Orion found out about him having one last July.
It was stupid, it was childish and girly. But Sirius didn't give a flying fuck about that, because he had never cared about anyone else's opinions. He wrote down his feelings because it was usually the only way for him to express them. And the depression and scary thoughts he had, he couldn't tell anyone about them. He didn't want his friends to worry.
They all knew he wasn't himself, because it was obivous. They just had no clue about the amount of darkness that had replaced the rebellious and loud side of him.
Speaking of which, Sirius hadn't gotten himself in trouble even once during the new school year. Not once.
The teachers were speechless. They were constantly asking James if something was wrong with the boy, but he always just told them that his best friend was just a bit tired because of "he spends all of his nights studying". Sometimes he said it with a smirk, so McGonagall would take the hint that what the boy meant was intensely making out with Remus. Minnie had an idea, yes. She was very observant about her students, expecially about the Marauders who were secretly her favorites. And scandalous things like Sirius behaving himself and keeping his mouth shut in class, or him constantly staring at Remus' ass, were ones she obivously noticed.

Remus and Lily had continued to study together again. They hadn't done so in a while, as Remus had spent a lot of time with Sirius lately, and Lily used a lot of her afternoons to help first and second years study as she was the other Gryffindor prefect. It was a freezing thursday afternoon, as they finally sat down on their usual table next to the big window in the library. Lily opened her herbiology book with a little smile.
"What is it?"
Remus asked, smiling a little too.
"Nothing, I just... well, you are different. And it's a good thing, you know, that you are with Sirius-"
"I-IT'S NOT LIKE THAT!!"
The tall boy paniced, dropping the quill he was holding and staining his trousers with ink.
"Merlin, Remus, I think it's adorable. Calm down!"
She laughed, looking back down to the book like it wasn't a big deal at all. Remus felt his face flush red.
"You can't tell anyone..."
He whispered finally.
"of course not. What kind of a friend would I be if I'd run around, telling people things like that?"
She sounded a bit indignant, but still compassionate and kind. Remus felt a huge wave of relief, though it was kind of obivous that Lily would never do such things.