Pensieve - Wolfstar Fanfiction

38

Sirius closed his eyes. The icy wind blew in his long and dark hair, violently smiting the tiny pieces of wet ice and snow against his pale cheeks.

He was calm. He was numb. He wanted it to end. And at the same time, he didn't. It was a hurricane of emotions inside of him, tearing him apart.

"Sirius!"

A paniced, shaking, unspeakably broken voice yelled from behind him. He didn't want to open his eyes again, or turn around and see the face of the boy who he'd hurt the most.

"Don't... don't do it Sirius..."
Remus cried. His bare feet had turned blue as he stood there on the snowy dock.
"There's no other way... there's no way to keep you safe."
And for the first time in such a long time, a big warm tear fell on Sirius' cheek. It left a pinkish, wet trail on his ice cold and pale face.
"You can't... don't do this to me!"
Remus took one more step closer to the long haired boy. The sea in his eyes was completely gone, and what was left, was just an ice cold nothingness.

"Please Remus... go back inside..."

There was a sting, so horribly painful sting in Sirius' heart. He knew Remus wouldn't listen.

"I don't want you to see this..."

"Then just don't fucking do it you asshole!!"

Sirius' breathing was shaky. He couldn't let Remus stay. His legs started to shake as the panic hit him.
"I'm so selfish..."
He whispered, eyes falling from Remus to the snow on their feet. The hurricane in him intensified, became something resembling an explosion or a firestorm. Like the end of the world, happening all in his heart. Hurting, aching so bad he couldn't take it.
There was no selfless way for him to choose. He could jump, breaking every single person who had ever loved him. That way he'd save Remus' life, but also destroy it.
Or he could go back inside, and someday Orion would snap, come find them, make it all stop. And then they'd both die. Sirius just couldn't bring himself to think about Remus dying. It was the worst thing, in fact, that he could ever think of. So if jumping, hurting Remus more than all of the full moons in the history combined, would save the boy's life...

It might just be worth it.

So Sirius looked back up to the tall boy's eyes, how there was no golden glimmer, just the pain.
Another big, warm tear rolled down his cheek as he did so.
"I'm so fucking selfish and I'm sorry..."
He whispered, moving his feet just a bit closer to the edge. Pushing a chunk of snow over with his feet, it fell down and finally hit the black surface of the lake.
"No..."
Remus felt like he was going to throw up. He would have ran to pull the boy off the edge, but suddenly he just couldn't move. He was paralyzed, petrified of terror and shock, worry, pain, anger, love... all the emotions, they created shackles around his ancles, holding him down. Keeping him still. Forcing him to watch.

"I love you. I love you so fucking much and I'm sorry."

Sirius closed his eyes again. He took one last deep breath of the freezing winter air as his feet lost their touch of the dock.

For a moment, everything was dark blue. The gravity pulled on his aching bones. He felt nothing than the numbness and the quilt.

Falling is like flying, only with a more permanent destination.

And then he hit the surface.
There were no thoughts crossing his mind, as the waves broke his bones. It was almost hundred feet fall.

The blue turned to black. He opened his eyes, feeling no pain as the light of the surface got further away.
There was a struggle, as he finally let the water in. It filled his mouth, then slowly his lungs. At first it hurt terribly, but then he felt calm. He felt like in a way, everything was finally okay. And he closed his eyes for that one last time, seeing Remus's face so vividly in his mind.

He heard the boy's calm, soft voice in his ears.

"It's okay."

And his heart stopped beating.