Pensieve - Wolfstar Fanfiction

35

January third, 1977.
The train back to Hogwarts left at eleven. Remus bit his lip as he stood by the platform pilar, fear twisting in his stomach. He didn't want to know how bad Sirius would look this time. Yet he needed to, he craved to.
It had been two weeks since they last saw each other, way too long, and the terrible feeling in Remus' insides grew by the minute.
Something terrible was going to happen. He just didn't know what it was yet.
James and Peter arrived soon, both of them looking well and happy. Of course the both of them were scared too, but they were blissfully unaware of the true state of things in Sirius' life. They knew it was shit, but like said before, nobody would really understand the amount of pain by just listening to the stories. You'd actually have to be there.
That was what the memory bottles were for.

Sirius was almost late, surprisingly. And again, he had to drag all of his trunks by himself. Only this time, he wasn't walking to the station alone.
Remus watched how the Black brothers approaced the pilar, matching dark gray cotton coats soaked in sleet that had been raining from the dark clouds all morning. They were talking. From over there, the tall boy couldn't quite make up what they were saying, but Sirius was smiling. It was an empty, a bit forced and weak smile. But still, even a quarter way happy was better than not happy at all.
Shivers ran trough Remus' spine as he saw the bruises on Sirius' face. There weren't any new ones after that one dinner, but those old ones vere still vividly blue-ish green and purple shades of brown.

Finally, they met.
Regulus went trough the pilar first, so Sirius had a chance to greet his friends in private. The train would leave in two minutes.
"Hey..."
Remus wrapped his tall arms around the shorter boy the exact moment he had the oppotunity.
"Hi."
The boy's voice was weak. Remus' body felt warm against his chest, and again it felt like a cold fist had clutched his heart and squeezed it into a million pieces. He didn't want to hurt the boy, hell, he loved him, yet there was no choice.
"I missed you. Every goddamn day."
Remus' voice was smooth, breathing warm against Sirius' ear. The shotrer boy staid quiet. He knew he should have said something like I missed you too, because that was one hundred percent true. Yet he couldn't make a noise, he would have broken into a hysterical cry if he had.
And on that moment, in the warm arms of his first love, Sirius finally understood;

He didn't want to die.

Life was too predicous, love was too predicous for him to throw away like that. But he had no choice. And that realization made him fall apart from the inside, yet again surprising him with more and more pain. He had thought the feeling in him couldn't get any worse than it had been. He had thought that being numb, immune to all emotions was the worst phase. How wrong he had been, as the worst part was yet to come.
He hugged Remus long an tight, without a sound until James had to literally pull the pair with him trough the platform pilar so they wouldn't miss their train.

Sirius would hug his friends in the compartment. They didn't usually do that, hug, but this wasn't really a 'nice to see you again' kind of hug. It was a goodbye.