Rebel Town Reviews [OPEN]

Onyx City Gods (Chapter 1) - @MrSanguine

Onyx City Gods (Chapter 1) by MrSanguine 

Reviewed by AmyMarieZ

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Overview: Onyx City Gods is a dark fantasy that follows the character Darius, a man struggling to find an honest way to make a living in crime-ridden Onyx City. Unemployed and unable to pay rent, Darius lucks into a job offer from his landlord. Although the job involves working for Kraken, a local kingpin, Darius has a hard time refusing the offer. He knows it isn't the most honest work, but delivering a cargo container doesn't seem so bad compared to other more immoral offences criminals in Onyx City resort to for a bit of cash. However, making the deliver might not be as straight forward as it would seem, as supernatural forces are at work in Onyx City.

Grammar: There are a few awkwardly worded sentences in the chapter, but there are no grammatical mistakes or typos. The excellent grammar and attention to detail gives the chapter a finished feel, making it a pleasure to read.

Pace: In general, it is easy to visualize the actions in the chapter, and the scenes progress at a "real-time" pace. The actions never seem drawn out, but there are a few specific locations where things seem a bit rushed, for or example when Darius is surprised by a second mugger on his walk down the street. Adding a bit more detail in the narration at this point to slow down the pace could build a bit more suspense and have a nice effect. Another point where the actions seem a bit rushed is when Darius kills the two muggers. The killing is very abrupt. Although a fast pace at this point does have a nice effect, the effect could be enhanced by slowing the scene down just a little to provide more chilling details.

Because this review only covers one chapter, it is difficult to gage the pace of the overall plot. The inciting incident of the story (Darius receiving the job offer to deliver the container) occurs at the end of the chapter. The beginning of the chapter serves primarily as scene setting, characterization, and a bit of background on Onyx City and Kraken, a presumably important character in the future. Although the inciting incident does not occur until the end of the chapter and the chapter is a bit long, the details and action included throughout the chapter hold interest all the way through until the end.

Character Development: The main character Darius is highly interesting, as well as mysterious. The character's narrative voice is cynical, which matches well with the personality he shows in the first chapter. While he does not portray himself as extremely moral, he does seem to be very turned off by all the crime in Onyx City. The character's honesty about himself and his opinions adds interest to the narrative, gives the character a realistic feel, and makes him relatable.

A key point of characterization in this chapter comes from Darius' actions. In the beginning of the chapter, Darius kills two people who try to mug him. However, later in the chapter, he shows moral objection to committing crime for money. While the character is not opposed to violence when necessary, he does have a moral line. These specific details present him as a very interesting character.

From only one chapter, the reader can already get a very good idea of who the character is, both his personality and his appearance. However, the chapter also leaves many aspects of him mysterious, adding to the intrigue and suspense.

Vocabulary/Description: Descriptions are a very strong point of the first chapter. The details of Onyx City paint a clear picture in the reader's head of what it looks like, and the level of crime on the streets. Rather than simply describing things, the first chapter almost takes the reader on an action-packed tour of the city. The reader experiences it through Darius, rather than just being told about the way that it is. This makes the descriptions dynamic, engaging, and exciting to read.

The vocabulary used is interesting and diverse and fits well with the narrative voice. The varied vocabulary adds interest, but is never overwhelming. The narrator's tone is consistent and believable throughout.

Plot: For a first chapter, there is a lot of plot development—primarily Darius receiving the job offer from his landlord to deliver the cargo container for Kraken. The chapter ends with this cliffhanger, leaving the reader eager to read on.

However, one thing the chapter seems to be lacking is any mention of the supernatural. Based on the opening description, it appears that the paranormal/supernatural will play a heavy role in the story. While the first chapter is a great hook itself, something to consider might be adding just a hint that there will be elements of the supernatural in the story to come, even if it is just something small Darius observes that seems off, like something strange on the street or in his apartment. While certainly not necessary, a bit of a tease like this is a consideration that the chapter might benefit from.

Summary: Although only one chapter of Onyx City Gods is currently published, the story shows incredible promise. The main character has a very strong and believable voice, and is a highly interesting and in many ways a conflicted character. The scene setting and world building is exceptional, and a definite high point of this story. Any reader who enjoys dark fantasy will love Onyx City Gods.