Rebel Town Reviews [OPEN]

A Little Ray Of Expectation (Chapters 5-8) - @EmmaWatson-Fan

A Little Ray of Expectation - (Chapters 5-8) by Emmawatson-fan

Reviewed by EPICEVANTYLER

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THE GOOD

In the fourth chapter, I like that you used the words in the beginning that I could not understand. I assume they are a different language. With the exclamation points, they really give the feeling of panic.

I like the description of the chaos going on around them from Blake's point of view. The verbs are strong and the descriptions are clear. I'm assuming now that you are writing in third person omniscient. You must be careful about that because it's a tough point of view to work with. However, so far, it seems to be fine.

In the fourth chapter, you say the wind "sings" its way around...that is such a beautiful way to use that verb. It feels like poetry.

I think the opening bolded bit at the beginning of chapter five is quite captivating. Nice touch!

The opening of this chapter seems altogether pretty eloquent. Well done!

I like how the story is getting real momentum with the kidnapping. I certainly wasn't expecting that. Further, the cliffhanger at the end is intriguing. I really do wonder who Geulia says.

The first couple sentences of the sixth chapter are spectacular. They are elegant and the imagery is on-point. My one suggestion would be to take out the second half of the last sentence of that first paragraph, as it is a little redundant.

The writing gets more and more beautiful and clear as I read on. Further, there is an air of mystery with the introduction of this Varik. I like how you give us a sort exposition about him with the mention of his father.

The sixth chapter is the best written so far, which shows that you improve as you go along. You have cut down on length, which is great, but you've also taken us into a new and interesting world. You've introduced fantastical elements and described them well.

I also like how smoothly chapter seven brings us back to the present scene. However, it may be a little dramatic for the simple word "what." I'd remove the last sentence of the first paragraph to dial in the drama.

Toward the end of chapter seven, the conversation between Geulia and Blake gets more realistic, sharp, and interesting. Good job with that.

I like that you've made known the new characters. It's opening up a different world for the reader.

THE NOT SO GOOD

In the fourth chapter, you wrote that the character said "heck" and then said, "she cursed under her breath." If you use the word heck, then that's the curse word, and you don't need the dialogue tag, although "heck" is not really a curse word. I'm not encouraging a real curse word, but I'm just making a note of it so that you know.

"Cries heard by her"—that is an example of passive voice. As much as you can, leave out passive voice. "The cries she heard" would be much stronger. In fact, you could leave out "she heard" altogether so that the writing will be a little tighter. In general, you should focus on being more concise in your wording. This will also help to keep your word count down.

The back and forth dialogue between Blake and Geulia in the fourth chapter feels a little stilted. Perhaps try acting out aloud how they would talk in a more natural way and write that.

You add action to the dialogue, which can be a good thing. However, you have places where the dialogue is strong enough to do without it. Only say the things you absolutely have to say. As readers, we can imagine the rest.

The word hat-things in the fourth chapter feels odd. I don't quite know what you are trying to describe.

As much as you can, get rid of adverbs. If you use a strong enough verb, no adverb is needed. Besides that, too many adverbs feel wordy.

The inner dialogue in the fourth chapter adds very little to the story. You might want to consider removing it.

The fourth chapter should be cut in half. I think there is a bit of repetition in the dialogue and the thoughts. Only keep the things that are absolutely, positively necessary. You definitely could get this down to 1200 words if you stick to only the necessary words and actions.

The first half of chapter five has pretty descriptions, but I think it goes on for too long. We need to get back to the story moving along a little sooner.

There may a bit too much of what Blake notices in the kidnapping. This is all happening in a flurry, so I wouldn't imagine that he would be paying attention to all these things. If you cut a great deal of that out, it will prevent your story from dragging.

As with the other chapters, chapter five is really wordy. Sometimes you repeat yourself, saying the same thing in a different way.

In chapter six, you say that the trees look as good as newborn babies. This is an odd simile that doesn't really describe trees well.

I think there are parts in the sixth chapter that are so eloquent—so-to-speak—that they sound stilted.

I am glad that you have cut down your length for the sixth chapter, but I think nothing has happened to spur the story along. Perhaps it's not necessary. Maybe you are just leading us into a new world. If so, you could stand to shorten the chapter even more. I'm on the fence about it though. It may be fine as is, depending on what comes after.

In chapter seven, there is too much time devoted to how Blake feels. It slows down the pace of the story a bit. You should consider cutting it down to a paragraph or two.

For this whole chapter, you can reduce it to half its size if you limit how much you describe the character's thoughts and actions. It feels a little repetitive. And also, sharp dialogue moves a story along faster than long stretches of prose. As this is not literary fiction, you should probably focus more on keeping the pace up.

Chapter eight starts off wordy. It would be fine to simply say, "Their eyes pop out of their heads." The rest sounds gaudy and again, slows down the pace where it should be speeding up.

Your point of view seems a little omniscient, which is somewhat awkward. I think you should stick with one person's limited point of view for each chapter.

This chapter is far too long. It needs to be split up into too different chapters. The second half comes off altogether confusing in light of the first. It's seems like we've been displaced, and I'm not sure how.

THE FINAL VERDICT

Overall, I think you are working with a very unique story, and I'm happy to say that I can't tell where it's going. Just when the reader thinks she's knows what's going, you take her somewhere else completely. This is a good way to keep your readers interested.

I really admire that you attempt to write with flavor and eloquence. I assume English is not your first language, so that's very impressive. As this is the case, you will need to work more to get a better grasp on the written word. Quite a few of the phrases, wording, and dialogue sounds awkward. However, that will be fixed over time, the more you read English novels of good quality.

You remind me somewhat of Charles Dickens, in that you are both eloquent and slightly verbose. I think all of your chapters could be cut down by half if you only take the things that are absolutely necessary to say. As it is, some of the descriptions and thoughts feel a little overdone and repetitious. I like that you have a poetic style, but you may want to balance it by being more straight forward in some places.

Anyhow, as I said before, I'm really excited to see what direction you take this in. I love that you are building a story I haven't seen before on Wattpad. So, kudos to you!