Rebel Town Reviews [OPEN]

Lilofee || Outcast (Chapters 1 - 5) - @gingerwishingonstars

Lilofee || Outcast (Chapters 1 - 5) by gingerwishingonstars

Review by ESHurricane

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Overview

Lilofee is a girl living in a coven (of witches, I think?) that worships the ancient Fae. She has a mentally unstable mother that may or may not actually be unstable but actually prophetic, but that remains to be seen.

Cover/Title

I feel that the title could be stronger. I think Lilofee is a really unique and interesting name and that it would be punchier just on it's own. If not, then Outcast all by itself would be best, but I feel that either one by itself would be more punchy and to-the-point than having them together.

I really like the style of the cover, it's simple and pretty and pleasing to the eye. I like the contrast of yellow and blue, it shows a nice duality that seems to be a theme throughout these early chapters.

Summary/Description

The summary is a little bit long for my tastes, but it's a good clear summary of the story. It reads like proper back-cover copy, and definitely gives a good feel for what the story is about.

Hook

The moment when sweet, shy Fainche rudely shoved past me, my life slowly began to spiral out of control.

I love this as a first sentence, and an opening hook. I am a huge fan of openings that have a bold foreshadowing, telling me right from the get go that the protagonist's life is going to spiral out of control.

However, I feel that the opening scene lacks the urgency that the first sentence promises. I think the story really picks up and gains momentum during the scene where her mother makes the water in the bowl disappear, and that might be a stronger opening. However, that wouldn't really go with this opening line. In any case, food for thought.

Grammar/Structure

There is not a lot to comment on for grammar and structure. At first I was put off by the odd choice of line breaks, but as I read, I began to enjoy the almost stanza-like cadence of the prose. It reads like poetry, and it definitely grew on me.

The only other criticism I have on that front is that there are a LOT of adverbs in the prose. I'm not saying they all need to go (and there are many differing opinions on adverb use in writing), but some of them seem just a little bit excessive, and I think the author is doing herself a disservice by using them. Her writing has a nice lilting feel to it, and I don't feel that things need to be over described.

Characters

I need to be honest, the characters feel a little flat to me here. Fainche and Lilofee almost have the same voice. The coven mother seems mean and brutal, her voice is very clear and consistent, and Lilofee's mama's ramblings have their own voice as well. But Lilo isn't strong on her own, and I feel that she's the most important, especially with the story being in first person.

I feel that the author should spend some time really developing this character. Try some exercises outside of this story such as short interviews or little scenes just to try to get to know her better. Give her a tic, something anything that sets her apart. Does she wring her hands a lot? Maybe she has a certain dialect that's different from the others? It's clear that something is different about her (not sure if she's half fae, or what?), but that can be shown a lot more I think.

Plot/Pacing

At it's core, the main feel of this story so far to me is that this girl is lost, and desperate to be loved, to belong to something. This is consistent with the title Outcast, because even as a sister of the coven she still doesn't feel like she's a part of it.

I think this could be centered a little more around her being different, and really using the impact of her mentally ill mother to hammer this home. I said before that I think the scene with the bowl of water disappearing would be a stronger opening, and I definitely suggest rearranging the scenes. The first two chapters are a lot of exposition that I feel could be delivered a lot more organically, in between the present action.

This would also really set Lilofee apart right from the get go, show right away that she's different, that there's something special about her and her father is something else. This would start the mystery right away.

Closing Comments

All in all, I really enjoyed this, and am interested to see where the story goes! I'm curious who this black-eyed creature is that's haunting her (I'm thinking it's a Fae), and if he's going to help her find her father? And who is her father? These are all things that I'll be waiting for in future chapters. Well done!