Rebel Town Reviews [OPEN]

Remorse (Full) - @PotatoPhantom03

Remorse (Full) by PotatoPhantom03

Reviewed by Dark_Writes

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Overview

An orphan strikes a deal with death itself for a chance to raise her dead sister from the grave. Unfortunately, the Reaper strikes a hard bargain.

The narrator faces a tough choice after she encounters the Reaper in an alley. The Reaper offers her a deal — he will bring her sister back, though of course there's a caveat. The Reaper is no friend of humans, and seems more intent on tricking the narrator than helping her get her sister back. Selfish in her grief, the narrator agrees to the Reaper's deal — even though she's risking the destruction of her sister's soul.

Cover/Title

The cover is moody and dark and catches the feel of the story. With its silhouettes and gauzy gray lighting, it reminds me a bit of the cover for "The Exorcist," which is a good thing.

I do suggest two small tweaks, however: The text for "A short story," is close enough to the left margin that the "A" is getting clipped, so I'd advise moving it over to line up with the title. There's also a discrepancy between the author's name on the book and the author's actual username. I'd remove the extra underscore to avoid confusion.

Summary/Description

The summary doesn't capture the essence of the story. It mentions a suicide, which I didn't notice when I was reading. This may be left over from an earlier draft, but should probably be removed.

I would also revise the summary to be more specific. Summaries are an art and tricky to master (I haven't managed it yet), but this is your chance to convince readers to try the book, so use it like a sales pitch. Load it with action and a dilemma to entice people onward.

Example: "Stunned by grief, one girl would do nearly anything to bring her recently deceased sister back to life. But will she risk her sister's soul to get what she wants?"

Hook

People have always been fascinated by the idea of striking a deal with death—especially when a soul is on the line. This premise has created popular hooks for everyone from Stephen King to Charlie Daniels, and it works well here as well. I'm sure many people have wondered how far they'd be willing to go to see a loved on again. But would you gamble if the soul at stake belonged to someone you love?

Grammar/Structure

The grammar is clean, with few issues for an author at such an early stage of writing. I noted some places where I felt small tweaks could be made to remove redundancy or to use words that more closely fit what the author is trying to convey, but overall, I was impressed with the sophistication of the writing as it moved between dreams, memories, and action.

Characters

I thought the protagonist was fleshed out well. Her grief feels authentic enough that her decision to make a deal with the Reaper feels natural. I wasn't surprised she would make such a reckless decision.

The human form of Anna Hudson also felt authentic, and is nicely illustrated through flashbacks, though I didn't get as strong a sense of her once she was reanimated. Following her sister to the cemetery was her only real action.

While it isn't necessary to advance the plot, I was curious to know how the sisters became orphans, and thought an explanation of the girl's' past could to be used to further place the narrator on an emotional island by reinforcing the fact she is alone in the world once her sister dies.

The antagonists serve their roles just fine, though I would have liked to see more disbelief or confusion from the orderlies who chase Anna Hudson from the building. They seem a bit cool and collected for people who are looking at what could be a reanimated corpse.

Narrative

As I mentioned above, this story's reference to a deal with death provides a feeling of ancient allegory. The theme is weighty and significant, reminding me of "The Monkey's Paw," and the first half of the story does the theme justice. The narrator does a good job showing the relationship between her and her sister.

The story feels a bit rushed once Anna Hudson returns, however. While the narrator is surprised to see her sister, I would like to see more of what she's thinking. Watching a dead loved one return would be an emotional time for her, with a mix of emotions ranging from joy and relief to possibly even revulsion. The narrator may even feel guilt over turning her sister into a shambling phantom. I have a feeling she would have plenty of questions, too — including how her sister is feeling, what she saw while she was dead, what it felt like to come back. If I were in the narrator's situation, I would push off the cemetery visit until I'd at least had a chance to catch up.

Some added dialogue in this scene would also make the story's conclusion even more tragic, because it would remind me Anna Hudson is a person and not just a walking corpse.

Closing Comments

I was honestly shocked when I saw the author's age. This story is sophisticated and well-written for someone so young, and I'm amazed by the potential I see here. I would suggest expanding the section of the story that takes place after Anna Hudson's return. This would better demonstrate the humanity of both Anna and the orderlies, but overall, nice work and I hope you continue to pursue writing, because you have a great future ahead.