Caballeros

The Darkness

***This chapter may contain triggers of some please be aware***

Joaquin

I wake up and I think it's early morning it is dark in my room. All I can do is stare at the ceiling and think of all the horrible shit I said and thought over the last twenty-four hours. Depression has hit me like a ton a bricks and I even thought that Jules, Trinity and the baby would be better off without me. These feeling come in waves; I will be fine and then bam they rear their ugly head. The door opens I track the person with my eyes and it's my nurse; she is mean as a fucking hornet. I tried to be nice to her but she was mean straight away so fuck her. Joaquin this is not you at all snap out of it.

"Good morning," she says and it's clipped.

"Morning," I say just as clipped.

"I came into change you and try to get you to sit up in chair," she says hurried.

"Change what? I can't sit up I can't feel anything."

"I am well aware of that Mr. Ortega, we have a special chair that I will strap you to," she says.

"What are you going to change?" I ask again.

"Sir you have a diaper on," She says like it's nothing at all.

"I have what on?" I ask and I feel humiliated. My heart is pounding in my ears.

"A diaper; you are currently unable to feel anything below your neck. Am I right?" she says. She has some bedside manner. She is a bitch.

"I don't want it!" I yell.

"Well I don't care you need to have it sir," She yells back. The door opens and another nurse comes in and gapes at us.

"Chantel, what is going on here?"

"He is too damn stubborn that's what!" she says.

"You stop that right now. How would you feel if it was you? Have compassion; two days ago he was strapping healthy young man and now he is here." She says. "You need to leave and I will take over his care." Chantel leaves in a huff and I sigh out in relief. "Sir I know you don't want to wear this; hell I wouldn't want it either but right now you need it." I nod and give in. She does what she needs to do to me and I want to die on the spot. I have never been so humiliated.

Some big orderly's come and help the nurse that is named Fatima lift me to the chair and strap me in. I can't move my head because of the rods and neck brace but I can move my eyes to see my hands across my chest. It's surreal and really scary that I can see them there but I can't move them no matter how hard I will myself to do it; my depression is back.

"Oh honey," She says. "I'm sorry that you are struggling."

"Thank you for being nice to me. The other nurse made me feel inhuman like I didn't matter. Maybe I don't. I don't know what I did to deserve this." I say and a tear escapes my eyes. She wipes them with a tissue.

"Don't say that, baby boy. You remind me of my son. He passed away a few years ago. God is in control young man and we can't understand why he does things. It took me a while to get back to myself and trust me you get back to your old self."

"I hope so." I say as Joseph walks into the room.

"Hey Bro," he begins. He must notice that I'm upset. "What's going on?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"That's fine," he says as someone brings in a tray of food. "Ya hungry?"