study with me ✎ m.yg x p.jm

아홉

after my attack there was an awkward silence, until there were a few knocks on the front door and jin left us alone to go get the food.

i looked up at jimin with a red and tear stained face, my arms red with lines because i also somehow ended up scratching them violently during my scene. "i'm so sorry you had to see that, jimin. it's just, w-when you starte-d leaning in i-i got r-really s-scared and i-i couldn't think s-straight so my—" he cut me off by dashing over to my spot on the floor and hugging me tight. i couldn't help but hug back, also trying to hold back more tears that i somehow had in me.

"it's so ok, yoongi. it's so fine, ok? it's not your fault, you couldn't control it." he said these things while holding me, and the butterflies were having an absolute rave in my stomach. after another tight squeeze he broke the hug, but still held onto my biceps. "i'm sorry that i didn't do anything." he says in a small voice. now it was my turn to console him.

"you didn't know what was happening, a-and you probably didn't know what to do anyway. it's kind of my fault too, i couldn't tell you what you should do whenever that happens." i don't find a better place for my hands than on his waist, making us both blush. we both end up holding each other's hands ever so gently, and were treated as if they were glass, like if they were held any other way they would shatter all over the floor.

jin quietly knocked on the doorframe moments later, and called us down for food, not bothering to make jokes about how we were consoling each other.

we got all got our own slices, i had three, and jin and jimin had two, leaving one that would probably be fought over later, and went back to our rooms.

me and jimin sat down on my bed and started to eat with silence being the only thing in the room, other than our sad and guilty expressions taking glances at each other every now and then.

jimin finally decided to speak up after finishing his first slice. "it's not your fault..." he mumbled, but seemed like he wanted me to hear. "what?" i ask, gesturing i want him to elaborate. he readjusts how he's sitting and faces me fully. "it's not your fault you couldn't speak. it's just what happens during your panic attacks, you can't help it, therefore it's not your fault." just as i'm about to talk, he speaks up again, "and don't start with the "but it is my fault"'s and the "I could've controlled it"'s, because those are lies. i know you can't control what happens during a panic attack, ok?" by now he hands his hand holding mine tightly in a comforting way, as to say 'i'm here for you'.

i just nod, not wanting to say anything wrong because all the tingling in my hand and butterflies in my stomach weren't gonna let me off easy.

the rest of the day was spent playing super mario kart in jin's room, us all laughing and having a good time as jin's emotions went to the extreme. a few times though, messages popped up from one of his friends, someone called 'monnie'. i teased him a bit and he blushed, but brushed it off.

we all eventually fought over the last slice of pizza, me ending up getting most of it. jimin ripped the other half from my hands too quickly for me to try and piece my food back together.

it came around 8:30 when jimin said he should go, but didn't make any real effort to try and leave.

"you wanna just stay over?" i ask him, as he's right next to my front door, after a whole ten minutes of just getting him to stand there for just a few moments. i didn't want him to leave, but i also didn't want him to get in trouble.

"i would love to, but no, i can't. we have school tomorrow anyway." he says shaking his head as he looks down.

"ok, text me if you need anything, ok?" i couldn't figure out why, but his head pops up and he gets the expression like he's ready to argue again, but it quickly fades into a sad expression once again. "yeah, ok." he puts his hand on the doorknob, but hesitates.

"thank you, hyung, for today. and also, text me if you need anything, alright?" he quickly turns to hug me tightly, still finding a way to stay in my house, and my heart.

"of course, jimin-ah. i promise." we let go of each other, and he opens the door and walks out, saying 'bye' in a chirpy voice before walking down the sidewalk and out of my sight.

i wish he would always be this way around me.

but tomorrow we have school.

•

i walked onto the school grounds, dreading seeing jimin because he would be his usual self. at least, his usual at-school self. one that was hot, but i preferred jimin acting like a child. somehow, both suited him.

i automatically went on my path to where namjoon and hoseok usually were at this time, and found them arguing.

"you can't date online, you don't know them!" i hear hoseok shout, likely towards namjoon.

"yes i can! i do know them! you get this feeling about someone if they're good or bad if you have common sense, and we all know i'm the smartest one, book smarts and street smarts in this group!" namjoon retorts. i already knew i would be dragged into their quarrel.

"yoongi!"

"yoongi!"

they both yelled at the same time, making me huff. "he can date who he wants, if he gets murdered it's his fault." i say, hopefully it settling them before they start yelling at me explaining their reasons.

but it didn't and they went back and forth until the bell rang, also taking it into homeroom, still arguing through notes.

by my 3rd class, it hit me that jimin still existed, and i was nervous again. considering jimin sat directly behind me in this class, my chair-back touching the front of his desk, i felt doomed.

i sat down in my seat, only planning to focus on math, when of course, jimin comes in and almost everybody starts taking to him, girls looking whipped and boys doing bro handshakes.

not soon enough, the bell rings and the teacher asks us to quiet down. we all take our seats, and he starts talking about some theory. i try my best to pay attention, but am snapped out my thoughts when jimin places a note on my desk from behind me when the teacher isn't looking.

'are you gonna talk to me today?'

i quickly and silently ripped out a piece of paper and wrote my own note on it, passing it back to him. it said 'are you going to be yourself today?'

i did think the side of him that was cocky and dominant was the hottest thing ever, but i only wanted that side of him to myself. and i wanted his childish side to myself. i want him to myself. not in a creepy way, i just... i was hopelessly in love with him, and i knew that. i knew that because sometimes i would literally cry about it, because he was so perfect, and so not my boyfriend.