After Senior Year.

Thursday: May 31st, 2018

So, my last entry was last month and I have so much to write in here. First of all, I have a boyfriend now. I didn't think I wanted a relationship going into this and I'm still not quite sure I even know how to "relationship" but nevertheless it seems to be working. His name is Jordan and he's my first adult relationship. I'm pretty happy with how it's going so far. I still have no idea what I'm doing. But I'm trying to not be annoying and ........

Tuesday: June 19th, 2018
I started this post a few weeks ago with every intention of updating everything that had been going on in my life and how happy I was and the trip I was supposed to be taking to Scottsdale with Jordan. I was thinking about him long term and thinking about the future. After the trip he ghosted me. Blocked me on social media. I later found out it was because we are too opposite and I am too boring for him. This information came on the day that would have been our one month. He knew it was my first relationship and yet he couldn't even actually break up with me. He fucking ghosted. This was also the week my dog almost died. She needed a surgery I could not afford. It cost 5,000 dollars and I now have a gofundme for it. I was a mess this week.

Fast forward to today, I'm back on tinder talking to a few guys. I just want to enjoy life and mess around and have fun. I just want to be happy. I found someone from tinder who is..... I don't have words to describe him because he actually leaves me speechless. He's just a beautiful human being and we are friends I think. We met for the first time yesterday and he picked me up from my house and we drove throughout rainbow, into the desert, hiked up a mountain and sat and talked about life. He saw his first shooting star. I told him briefly about my family. It was comforting to be able to talk to someone. Sometimes, lately, I just feel so alone. I may just be meant to be alone. His name is Nate and he leave back to his home state on Thursday when he graduates from UTI. I have a strong feeling he's going to have a good life and love his new job. I honestly wish the best for him. Oh and I think the hardest part of all this is not even that he has a girlfriend because I'm happy for him and I want him to have someone to make him happy. It's that I.... I honestly don't know I just.. I hurt. But why? Why? I just met him and the hurt started before that. Before I met him which is even stupider. So why? I think, the universe wanted me to meet someone like him even though it's going to go no where. Maybe the universe knew he needed someone to talk to so that's what I am. And I'm okay with that. Maybe I'm meant to be that person for people, but no one is meant to be that person for me. I'm meant to be alone. Eventually, I'll probably get used to accepting that. I don't know what I am talking about I'm already used to that. I've been alone my whole life. Alone within my family, alone within my friends. I am used to being alone, so maybe it's the opposite. Maybe I'm terrified of the feeling of having someone, of knowing what it's like to not feel so minuscule. Of losing them.