After Senior Year.

January 12, 2020

Okay, it's been months since I last wrote in here. If I'm going to be honest, so much has happened. Nate kind of cheated on my back in October and I did not know what to do. He was messaging girls behind my back, specifically his ex girlfriend Sami. He told her he made a mistake and being with me and that he wanted her and thinks about her every single night. I just don't know what I am doing anymore. He apologized so much for it but he kept talking to her and he said he was just being drunk and stupid, but he wasn't drunk every time he was talking to her. He told me he would always have feelings for her and I don't know how I feel about that. He ended up deleting his snap out of his own choice to prove that he was done talking to her, but I still don't trust him.
We came really far since that happened and even visited my family in Arizona. I feel a lot more confident in our relationship and I want everything with him. We even got a dog, Franklin, and he makes us so happy. Every day I feel like our relationship grows better and better everyday and I want to marry him and have kids with him. But I'm scared that he will never want that even if he says he does. I just don't see it happening at that much of a commitment level. I'm scared that he is always going to find a reason why we aren't ready to get married or take any next step.

The thing is and the reason I needed to write in here today is because I thought I could trust him again, but he's been looking up Sami again and if he wants to be with her I don't get why he is with me. I just want to happy and I cannot picture my life without him, but can he picture life without me. Am I too attached or am I delusional. I'm probably just fucking crazy and not meant to be with anyone. Everyone thinks we're are so fucking perfect, hell sometimes I do too and then I feel his gaze shifting and I hurt.
Until next time.