After Senior Year.

Sunday: November 11th, 2018

Why am I still broken? Why am I so sensitive? I recently realized it's getting closer and closer to the one year anniversary of when I almost left this life out of my own hand. I have come so fucking far in self growth and yet I still have triggers. I still have panic attacks. I'm still forever terrified. For me, the thing about having depression and being suicidal is that I don't want to die but sometimes it feels so much like the right answer. My friend spoke to me recently about how she wants to die so bad and how she's in her words "too much of a pussy" to do it. I wonder are there other suicidal people out there like this? Because I genuinely want so badly to breathe, live, love, laugh and yet some days I wake up drenched in sweat with a throbbing headache out of breath. Some days I am a shell of no emotion and I feel absolutely nothing at all. Nothing. I am a person whose emotions are painted visibly readable upon my face and yet some days there is nothing. People can tell when I'm like this, but I can't help it. I can't pretend to feel on these days.

Today I do not feel like this. Today I feel overly emotional. I hate my emotions on days like today because the overpower the logical side of me. This logical side is what makes me who I am. The emotional sides comes from years of damage from verbal abuse. Here's how it works for me: I text my boyfriend a lot, like repeatedly sometimes and I want to talk on the phone with him at least 10 minutes everyday since we are long distance. Writing these truths hurts me because I read and I think wow that girl is crazy she has attachment issues how can someone deal with her, how can someone love her. So then I tell myself, Salena you don't need to message him this much, Salena take a step back you're bothering him. Salena you're annoying don't message him at all until after work so he doesn't think you are crazy. And I do those things. I did do those things and I tried to change my habits because I'm so fucking scared of bother people of being annoying and them realizing that I'm too much and leaving me. Maybe it's cause that's the pattern you know? My friends, my mom, my sister. I've always been the one who talked too much, was around too much, asked too much, I was always too much, too dramatic.
Dramatic, I will always hate that word. It's a trigger word. "Tia I have to tell you something. My dad he.. he did this to me. My uncle did this too me... my mom did this too me," I've tried and I was always met with "stop being dramatic". I'd say "don't touch me. Leave me alone" only to be met with "be quiet these are okay touches don't be dramatic. Be a good girl." BE A GOOD GIRL. I was a good girl. I was the model student the perfect daughter. I did everything that was ever asked of me. Forever scared to say no. Because good girls, good daughters, they don't say no.
In school I was bullied, who wasn't, bullied at home, bullied at school. The thing is bullies at school were nothing and I see that now because it was so long ago and they are gone now. I can't ever get did of my family.
This journal post is a mess, but to come full circle I hate how I react to things because these reactions are not me they are the side affects of years of verbal abuse and sometimes I do better than others but when I don't I'm hurting bad. I wish I could just be me and I have hope that someday I will with a carefree attitude. I used to be better with being me with Nate. But if I'm honest as I should be in my journal, I was so carefree and confident in who I was and my personality and emotions because he really made me believe he loved me so fucking much for who I was I was naïve to us ever breaking up. And then we did like three times and after the first time I worried just a smidge and it seemed okay. But the true complete real second time when he was sober and avoided me all week and made the decision so surely, I hurt I broke I felt pain so harshly. So when we got back together I find myself saying and doing things that aren't me, that I hate myself for. I sensor myself, I hide myself, I distance myself. I'm scared. I notice I don't want to be vulnerable, I am a strong independent beautiful women. I truly believe that and when I started talking to nate I felt I showed some of that but now, now im scared to say the wrong thing as if my opinions should be sheltered as if my feelings should be sheltered. As though I need to be what he needs me to be even if it's not myself. The whole thing that makes me so pissed off is that I'm only hurting myself over false ass assumptions. So I'm constantly reminding myself, Nate loves me for I am. If we break up then we break up. I am still a fucking catch whether he want me or not. And yes these things are hard to say, but I only think I need to change because I've convinced myself that. Nate a really good guy and he's never said anything or done anything of reality to hear me towards thinking this way. It's literally just me and I don't know how to fix myself. Then I worry oh if I can't fix myself will he be able to put up with me. Like fuck Salena shut up and just love yourself and love the crazy love you and Nate share for one another at this moment.
I needed to write tonight. I feel much better.
Until next time.