After Senior Year.

Monday: April 6th, 2020

I love Nathan. I do not want to spend the rest of my life with anyone else. I don't trust him. I want to so badly but I don't and I just don't understand why. I am so insecure and scared of getting hurt that it's literally my fault. He keeps talking to his exes and hiding it. First with Sami , which he doesn't consider that cheating on me, then with Kat and I just don't get what I'm doing wrong. He says he loves me and he has started a little family with me, but when he talks about our future it's always a big "if". For me it's not an if though. I see him as my future. I just do not know what I'm doing wrong and what all his exes are doing right. Like is he just bored of me. I'm honestly just a piece of shit for not trusting and thinking in my fucked up mind that he cannot just be friends with his exes. I do not know why I can't fantom that, but I think they can be just friends then I picture their bodies on each other or even the fact that they know each other's bodies and it drives me crazy that they can still talk and that chemistry not be a huge part or their connection. I don't know I'm a fucking mess. I hate myself. I keep gaining weight and feel unattractive and like I'm not nearly good enough for him. When I go to sleep at night I day dream about all the positive things I want. Marriage and a house and best friend that I can spend the rest of my life fucking around with. Nate is that for me. But I'm so fucking ugly and fucked in the head he deserves better. I should honestly just fucking die and save him the trouble of ever feeling bad for leaving me in the future. I'm never enough.