After Senior Year.

Monday: November 9th, 2015

(Unedited)

It has been quite some time since I last wrote in here. A lot of shit has happened. My cousin got married and it was beautiful. I got thrown up on at a party and that was not so beautiful. School has been stressing me the hell out, but what's new. My mom finally got a car, so I don't have to drive her all around anymore. Not gonna lie I'm starting to miss it because of the bonding experience. I have been to the emergency twice in the past month. I'm okay, my skin just keeps getting infected and it caused so much pain. I could barely walk or sit down.

My sister came home drunk last night. She doesn't remember anything as per usual. I told Tia she had a drinking problem, but she thinks I'm full of shit. Then I made the mistake of saying "I could never" in reference to the continual black out drinking. She scolded me and told me to never say that. I was confused by what she meant and all she said was it's not like you don't drink. Are you kidding me. I told her that "yes I drink, but I have moral obligations". I always sober up before driving and most times I am not even the one driving. Even then I actually know my limits, and have only black led out once (the first time I drank). It is not something I ever try to achieve, and frankly I hate the concept. I don't know, I just don't understand the concept of "Don't say I could never". I told tia, "Telling me to never say that, is like telling me to doubt myself for the rest of my life. I stand by what I say I could never do, drugs being the main one, and repeatedly drink to the point of blacking out." Then I left her in the kitchen and walked to my room. She yelled as I walked away "have you done hookah" and I about lost it. "That's not a fucking drug it's like smoking just worse for you," I said feeling my throat close up. "It Almost is" she yelled back.

Now I am riddled with emotion and troubling thoughts. It's 12:05 am officially Tuesday. I will never understand how we could have so many different viewpoints on life. She told me everyone tries everything at least once in life before they decide which route to take. BULLSHIT. If I fucking say I could never kill a person. I fucking mean it. Oh no wait let me go try it then decide. She thinks I just haven't hit my experimental point because I haven't fucked up yet. Newsflash there are ways to fuck up without doing drugs, drinking, breaking laws, and all the other common fuck ups. I think I fucked up because I haven't completed one novel yet and I'm about to turn twenty. I was sure I would be published by now. To me that's a fuck up. I don't know, I just don't understand why she continually think I'm going to come home one day and tell her yeah your right I fucked up did every single drug on the planet and I don't remember because I got blacked out drunk. She always tells me, "if you don't experiment now, you just going to do it 10× worse when you're older". No I fucking won't because I have MORALS and Standards that I set for myself, everyone's are different, but these are mine and I don't doubt my them. I don't no why she's always waiting for me to fuck up similarly to G, but she is. Anyway, I have class tomorrow. Until next time.