After Senior Year.

Thursday: June 21st, 2018

I love him. It's crazy almost stupid, but I love him. I knew I loved him when he first told me what he thought about love. I felt this cliche thumping in my chest. It hurt. It did not feel good. When I think of him it's like and anxiety attack that I never want to go away. My heart beats out of my chest when he touches me. He does his adorable smile when I look at him. How he holds me like he never wants to let go. I never want to let go. I want to come home to him every day. I want to fall asleep in his arms.

I'm absolutely terrified because I have never felt like this before. I realize now why people become absolutely broken after a heart break. Because I never want this feeling to go away and the mere thought that this may be a one sided joke...it absolutely terrifies me.

I'm so fucking happy. Nate left to Minnesota today, and I miss him already. We spent all week together basically and every moment had me feeling like I was high and yet so completely sober. We made love. Not sex. I've had sex. I dove into sex after losing my virginity and fucked a lot. This was not that. This was so far from that I want no one else. This was the pleasure and sensations of sex mixed with wanting and craving and heart pounding connection between two people who just met, but are comfortable with one another like they've known each other for years.

With Jordan I was never comfortable. I was constantly trying to please him, to change for him. With Nate I'm myself. With Nate I feel like I've found a home. His mom is amazing. She is wonderful and sweet and everything I wish I had growing up. Their relationship is something to be envious of. I love it.

Part of me worries that Nate and I will tire of each other. That is a very small part. The rest of me feels like I know we won't. They say soulmates exist. And sometimes I think that's stupid. Sometimes I believe it. But one thing I do know. Nate is my human, and I am his. Right now we need each other. Right now we want each other. Right now we love each other. I'm going to live in the moment. I'm going to let myself finally be happy. I'm happy with right now.