Not Quite Sure Yet

Chapter 4

Dear Joey,

Today, I feel like shit. Today, I can't be bothered to paint on a smirk, slip on some skinny jeans and pretend not to give a shit. Not today. I spent all of this morning calming myself down, Joe. I woke up covered in sweat and tears and its all your fault.

  My dream last night, was vastly different from the usual. Usually, the dreams are bittersweet, happy memories I'm forced to admit are staying in the past. But last night was different, Joe. I dreamt about the day you left me. Do you remember that, Joey? The day you broke every promise you ever made. The day you chose him over me, the day you chose oblivion over me. Because you did. You would rather get in a fucking car, with no idea where you were going, than stay with me like I asked. Do you remember how I begged you, screamed at you to stay? How I told you I would do anything? Except anything wasn't enough for you Joey, oh no. You told me I hadn't done anything, that this was your choice. That he was so amazing, that he gave you a ultimatum. Leave with him now, or never see him again. That's what you told me he said to you. So that's what you did. You left.

I'm so fucking mad at you, Joey. You did this to me. You made me half a man, stuck in the fucking past. I can't move on, Joe. I can't spend one day not thinking about you. I imagine what you would do if you were here with me. I imagine how I would react if you walked through the door. And I hate it. Because let me tell you something, Joey. Getting your heartbroken, is like getting stabbed in the heart. Yeah, it hurts, but if you let it go quick enough, it doesn't stay. Living with heartbreak, however, is like being stabbed with a compass in the heart repeatedly, never ending. The sting is always there, and you can't ignore it for long. That's what you've done to me, Joe. And I hate it.

I hate myself for falling in love with the world's most selfish asshole. An asshole who doesn't give a shit about anyone but him, who'd rather destroy my life than stay in the same fucking town. That's you, Joe. You didn't care what you said to me. Because the last words you said to me, still haunt me. Jesus. What the fuck did you mean? Shall we revisit that day, Joey? Shall we relive the memory?

He looked at me sadly, a grimace ever present on is face.

"What?" I croaked, unable to understand why he's doing this. Why is he doing this?

"I'm leaving, Cole. I have to. I can't spend my life wondering. I don't want him to be my what if." He said, looking helpless. Helpless my ass. He's choosing to do this.

"And me?" I growled, anger invading my senses.

"I am in love with you Cole, and its going to hurt like hell getting over you. I'm not leaving because I don't love you, I'm leaving because I need to leave this goddamn town, and he will get me there. So you will carry on without me. You will move on." He let a single tear slide down his cheek, and I felt my heart splitting in two.

"I'm never  moving on, Joe. Never." I cried, and fell to my knees at his feet. I couldn't even stand with the pain, and I hung onto his waist for support. Joe was sobbing, stroking my hair and face.

"Don't say that, Cole. Never say that. I want you to forget me. I want you to pretend I never happened. Because one day, there will be a guy who treats you exactly how you should be treated. He won't be like me." I cried and shook my head. He was wrong. No one was better than him.

"Yes Cole. Promise me you will move on. Promise me you won't let me destroy any future relationships. Find that guy, Cole. Forget me and find him. Promise me." I felt his tears land on my hands, and I sobbed louder, unable to speak through the pain.

Do you remember that, Joey? The way you begged me to move on as I begged you to stay. Except I can't move on. No. Because after you walked out of that door, after you mad  promises of no return, did you leave forever? No. Did you abandon me for good? No. One fucking text, Joey. One fucking text, an hour and a half later, that ruined the painful breakup you imagined. Those words killed me Joey. And I hate myself for clinging to them still, and I hate myself for refusing to let go.

But do you what I hate the most?

I hate that I don't hate you.

And I hate that I still love you with everything I have.

"I do not say goodbye. I believe that's one of the bullshitiest words ever invented. It's not like you're given the choice to say bad-bye, or awful-bye, or couldn't-care-less-about-you-bye. Everytime you leave, it's supposed to be a good one."

I wish my heart wasn't still yours, you fucking asshole.

Cole.