Not Quite Sure Yet

Chapter 16

Dear Joey,

School will always be the same, won't it? You always used to say it would change as we got older. Say that when we were the oldest, we would run the school. But we were always on the fringes of society. Well, not you as much. You were always Mr Popular, despite your tendecies. I was the angry kid, with the goth friends. But one day, you decided to speak to me. Made me join your friends, and I made you love mine. You stayed popular, I tried to stay invisible. But everything changed after that first look. Love at first sight, you said. But there is no love at first sight, here. Everything about this school is so typical. Its so not you. 

In case you were wondering, me and Duke didn't suddenly become best buddies. The Monday after that weekend, it started as usual. Which, is perfectly fine for me, as the more normality they have, the less attention I have. There were rumours, many rumours, travelling round about Duke and Nicoles break up. Bitch face seemed too embarrassed to tell anyone about her suspicions regarding me and Duke, so she said it was because he was practically ignoring her nowadays. Duke, so as not to cause any drama, said nothing. Although Nicole shot me glares and snarls whenever she could. I juts smirked, as per usual. Its funny, because people do truly believe they are better than me, just because I live in ripped skinny jeans and black t-shirts. I find it so amusing, Joe, and you would laugh if you were here. These people would hate then love you, and you would tell them exactly what you thought of them. And I would try to stay invisible. As per usual. 

However, Duke seemed to be less scared, and respect me more. In the hallways he would nod, or say hi, and all his friends would stare at him like he had lost his mind. It was brilliant. Blue would constantly tease me of course, claiming Duke stared at me with every chance he got. I knew he was attracted to me, but its a real ego booster to think he is staring. 

And Duke is still confused, which is completely fine with me. I don't expect anything from him. Sure, hes the first guy i have actually been really attracted to since you, but that doesn't mean he has obligations. I don't want to be one of those guys. You know, the ones who turn guys, or make them confused for their own pleasure. But he doesn't get why he finds me attractive. Duke doesn't get why he stares at me, why he likes it, when I don't have breasts or hips.  I remember feeling like that, when I was only twelve. When all my friends would stare at girls and whistle, and I would be stiffling a boner at the sight of a shirtless guy. But I moved on. What we are, Joe, isn't wrong, disgusting or immoral. We aren't changeable or curable. We are here, we are alive and we are loving. We have our own love stories. Our lives can be happy, they can be tragic, they can unremarkable. Because we are never going to be anything but us. So why try?

"Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.” 

Cole