Not Quite Sure Yet

Chapter 18

Dear Joey,

I love having Beth and R here, but it brings back memories. Obviously Mom was over the moon, hugging them both till they couldn't breathe. She loves them so much. I think she might've missed them more than me. Unfortunately, she couldn't mother them all night, as they had to go back to their hotel, something she was really not happy about.

"You guys can stay with us!" Mom exclaimed. "You know you're more than welcome."

Beth nodded and R scratched the back of his neck nervously. I, of course, knew just why they wanted a hotel room, and it wasn't because they thought they weren't welcome. Silly children.

"No, Mrs W, it's fine really. We wouldn't want to... err, intrude." R stuttered, receiving a look from Beth. I chuckled. Living at home in separate houses with parents must be tough.

"Mom," I laughed. "I think they want some private time while they are away, and wouldn't want to keep you up." R glared at me and Beth shot me a grateful look. Not surprising, Beth was always one for saying things bluntly. Mom laughed.

"Oh kids, you should've said!" R relaxed. "You seem to think I was never young. I know the drill."

Beth laughed while R went bright red. Such a worry pot was old R. Always worried he would offend someone or hurt someone's feelings. I love him for it. I do.

"Besides," Mom carried on, smirking at R's uncomfortable expression. "I feel like actually getting some sleep tonight guys, and I don't think my wall are that thick."

See, Joe? She got over it. And my mom remains to be the person I look to when I need to make people feel uncomfortable. They say you learn from the best. And I certainly did.

You used to love my mom, Joe. You said she was practically your family. Not that there was anything majorly wrong with your family. Sure, your dad was a bit too honest, and your mom drank a bit too much, but it wasn't the end of the world. And while you loved them, you said they didn't get you like my mom did. Maybe it's because mine is so young, after having me at eighteen. I suppose she understands the generation better, less of a gap. We were just like family too, Joey, but perhaps not in the creepy way. Because with the things we were doing, being related would've been just sick.

Do you see what I mean, Joe? It brings back so many memories. I've got a whole weekend of flashbacks ahead of me. But they don't hurt as much anymore. Actually no, the memories didn't hurt in the first place. Coming back to reality did. But now, I'm a little bit better, Joe. Am I doing what you told me? Am I letting you go? Because it feels better than I thought it would, Joe. Is this my reward for hurting for so long? Because I will take it. I'll grasp it with both hands, Joe, I promise. Slowly but surely Joe, I'm getting better. I've spent so long trying to stay bad, now I'm just letting it go. I won't forget you Joey, but maybe I can remember me.

"One couldn't be selective when remembering the past. Ignore the turmoil, chaos and pain – and the truly great memories would not shine with such luster.”

Cole