Not Quite Sure Yet

Chapter 31

Dear Joey,

I didn't feel real. I don't, even now. I feel like I'm floating a few inches above the floor. Not because I have sudden realized my purpose in life, or have decided that I will spend the rest of my life with Duke. No, because it's just Duke. Duke makes me happy. Duke makes me forget everything that little bit more. But even when I remember, it's not as painful now. I don't feel as if I am doing you some great injustice by having a life, or even by meeting someone else. Don't get me wrong, I still miss you. Like fucking hell, I assure you. But I think I'm getting more used to it now. My chest doesn't feel like it's about to cave in when I remember a good time, and I don't break down with guilt if I go a day without thinking about you. It's progress.

I've realized something. I've realized that all those weeks, all those months I spent giving my every thought to you, happened for a reason. I told myself if I didn't constantly remember you, if I didn't stay completely in love with you, you would be forgotten. But that's not true. Good people leave behind loved ones, everybody knows that. And now I realize just because Beth or R weren't in love with you the way I was, it doesn't mean they didn't love you, doesn't mean they would forget you. Just because they carried on with life as best they could, while I pretty much gave up on it,doesn't mean they wouldn't carry on your legacy. And you parents. They're never going to forget their only son. They're never going to forget the way you laughed or the things you would say. They can't forget, you were all they had.

Whereas me, I've got my whole life. I'm sure I will break down sometimes, maybe more than just sometimes. I'm sure I will hurt someone because of you, say something absolutely ridiculous because I'm thinking of you. I'm know I will never ever forget you, and I don't want to. I just want to remember you in a more healthy way. And I think I am now. Because right now, I'm so happy I can barely imagine being sad.

Of course, that will fade. And I will have a bad day. But that's fine, it's bound to happen. Because now, I look forward to coming back to the present again. I've got Blue, Mom and Duke. I've got people who care. I suppose I've got Dad as well, but I haven't spoken to him in ages. When he rings I'm usually out, or with Duke. Which translates into 'Go away, I'm busy'. I know he loves me, I know he does everything with the best intentions. And I guess these letters were kind of a success, I mean, I feel better. But then again, that might just be Duke. But I could give Dad the credit. I will call him later. I will make an effort to not be so self obsessed. My grief made me that way, and now so does my happiness. Or maybe I'm just a self obsessed person. If it helps, I don't want to be.

But the thing is, I think you have to know unhappiness to know happiness. And trust me, I fucking know unhappiness.

"You can't be happy unless you're unhappy sometimes".

Cole