Not Quite Sure Yet

Chapter 11

Dear Joey,

Today, Duke said something to me that really shook me up. We were sat there, him madly scribbling down his calculations, and me observing him. I had made us both a cup of coffee as he worked. I placed it in front if him and Duke looked up, surprised. "Thank you?" He asked, his blue eyes sadder than usual. I rolled my eyes.

"No need to sound so surprised, I don't have to be an ass. I just like to be." I smirked.

He was getting better at taking jokes from me now, actually laughing, and sometimes even teasing me back. Granted he doesn't get far, but he tries. I think before he thought i actually meant it.

He smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. They were sadder than I had seen them before, a little more lifeless, and little tighter. As I sat down, he set his books to the side, and I gave him a questioning look. Put it this way, we both knew Duke was here to study, and to study only. But the way he looked at me, it seemed as if he wanted to have some sort of serious conversation. Ugh.

He took a deep breath. "Why is that?" I was shocked, Joe, I'll admit that. I didn't really get what he mean. Duke was very good at keeping things quiet and neutral between us, and I was originally surprised at his lack of questions. How quiet he was. But now I suppose he had gathered the courage. I am ashamed to say I decided to play dumb, Joey, something I really do hate. But anything to avoid the question I suppose.

"Why is what?"

Duke smiled sadly. "Why do you chose to be an ass? When I'm here with you by yourself you're fine. A little full of yourself, but an okay guy." I scoffed. A little full of myself is an understatement.

"I don't." I snapped. Duke rolled his eyes. "I am an ass. End of story."

I was pissed, Joe, but Duke looked angrier than I had ever seen him. But then again, I had only seen him happy or nervous, so there wasn't much to go on.

"No, you're not. Stop pretending to be someone you're not!" He scoffed. Duke carried on, building himself up. "You chose to be an outcast at this school." He was getting angry now, standing up. "You could've taken Nicole up on her offer on your first day. But no, you had to be all rude and just say no. Like you're fucking better than us!" Duke was yelling, his blue eyes alive with anger.

I shrugged. "I didn't want to sit with you."

"Oh, really? Why, huh? Do you like being the freak everyone is scared of? God, do you know the rumours going round about you! People say you killed someone for Christ's sake!" He yelled. I froze. I was hearing it again, Joe. People I knew, people I grew up with telling me it was my fault. Blame. Accusations. I couldn't do it Joe. So I dodged it.

"Why? Because I can't stand people like you!" I was stood up now, towering over him. Duke stepped back. "Because people don't deserve to have such perfect lives when they haven't worked for it! And then you have the nerve to moan about it. Fuck, it's so aggravating. So what if you don't get into your college? Who cares?" Duke glared at me.

"I care, you ass! It's my life, and its far from fucking perfect!" He screamed, tears forming in his eyes. Those tears were too sad to be in such beautiful eyes, Joey. But I was too filled with anger to really care. "You're broken, Cole! I don't know who broke you, but someone did. You're broken and you are trying to act fixed!"

Duke held his chin up stubbornly and I took in his words. He was right of course. You broke me, Joey. And I know I'm not fixed, but does it really hurt to try? To try and fool myself. Duke went to turn away from me, but I grabbed his shoulders and pulled him to face me.

"Listen here, whatever brought on this fucking nosy mood, needs to stop! What gives you the right to ask me questions! It's my life." I snarled into his face.

"I had a fight with Nicole! Fuck, we almost broke up!" He screamed. I shook my head.

"And what does that have to do with me? For fucks sake."

Duke went quiet. "Because we fought about you." I froze again.

"What?"

"We fucking fought over you! She was saying how much of a freak you were, and I said you weren't that bad! That she was wrong." He was yelling again. "And she went fucking mental on me, yelling and screaming I had betrayed her. She said I fancied you, for fucks sake I'm straight!"

God, help me, Joe. Nicole was that insecure. But then again, if I was that much of a bitch, I would be insecure about everything too. I did feel sorry for Duke though. He was confused and she wasn't helping. But that gave him no right to ask me about you, Joey. No right. No one does. My past is none of his business! I'm the one doing him a fucking favour.

"You keep telling yourself that." I growled, and went to push him off. However he held onto me tightly , anger and sadness in his eyes.

"What the hell does that mean?" Duke hissed, annoyed.

I smirked, content at the switch in roles. I stepped closer to him, forcing him back against the desk.

"It means we can pretend your breathing isn't irregular when I'm this close to you," His breath hitched, proving me right. I smirked. "or that you don't think dirty things about me when you're fucking your shrew of a girlfriend." Duke turned red. "or that you don't check me out when you think I'm not looking." I smirked.

Duke was staring at me, eyes wide, still filled with old tears. He looked hot, bothered and confused. Point proven. I went to take a step back, looking proudly at his flushed cheeks and open mouth. However, Duke took me by surprise.

He grabbed my waist and pulled me so we were chest to chest. He took his lip inbetween his teeth for a few seconds, obviously questioning his movements. I just stood perfectly still, waiting for him to make a decision. I felt a pair of soft lips press down onto my own and I responded.

His lips were so soft, his hands clutching at the fabric of my shirt. I placed my hands on the back of his thighs, picked him up and onto the desk. I pressed my tongue into his mouth, and he moaned. I was now dominating the kiss he started, molding his lips to my own. Duke seemed to lost in his desires to think about what he was doing, and I was happy to comply. You always used to tell me, Joey, if you're free and a hot guy kisses you, why not?

I'm ashamed to say I didn't think of you as I kissed him. Not at all. I got lost in pressing my lips to his jaw, sucking and biting my way onto his neck. I got lost in the way he moaned, saying my name. I got lost in the way his stubble felt on my thumbs, how I could almost see through his white t-shirt. I got lost in him. To be fair to him, he pressed his body against my own willingly, stroking my face and gripping my hair. Duke seemed just as lost in me.

I broke away first, catching my breath. His gorgeous blue eyes looked back at me, widening in awe. I bit my swollen lip and just looked at him, waiting for his reaction. Eventually, his arms loosened around my waist, and his shoulders slumped. His voice was rough when he spoke

"Um, I'm sorry, I don't know where that came from." I shrugged. It didn't really help my not-so-little problem, that his cheeks were flushed and he was panting. Thankfully, he had the same problem, so it wasn't just me.

I stepped back as he jumped down, waiting for him to say anything else. "I'm sorry. I, uh, am going to go." Duke muttered, looking at the floor. "Fuck, I am sorry."

"Its okay. It's just a kiss." I shrugged. And I mean it, Joey. Yeah, it was a fucking hot kiss, but it was just a kiss. He nodded and practically ran out of the room, and I let him. You heard the guy, Joey, he's straight.

I'm sorry again, Joe. I seem to be saying that a lot recently. I'm sorry that I don't really regret the kiss. I'm sorry I had the one night stand. These are the sort of things I would love to tell Beth about, but she hasn't been answering my texts or calls for a few days. I just want reassurance, Joe, that I haven't screwed up too bad. For whatever reason I can't get hold of her. You're gone. I can't tell mom about my one night stand, because that's just weird. And as much as I like Blue, I highly doubt she would be okay about me kissing Duke. Or, Duke kissing me. I'm alone, Joe. Alone with his words ringing in my mind.

"You're broken and you're trying to act fixed!"

I don't want to remember any more. The guilt is killing me.

Cole.