Not Quite Sure Yet

Chapter 10

Dear Joey

My head fucking hurts, Joe. It's like someone is playing the drums in there. My mouth is dry, and its nearer afternoon than morning. For a second, I wonder if I'm ill, and that's why I'm feeling this way. And then it all comes rushing back to me, and I might be sick. I'm so sorry for this, Joe. But I think, you still deserve to know what I did. Because, it's all part of my story. I'm sorry, Joey. I love you.

The music is loud, and the coloured lights flash, as I try and weave my way through the many people. Most are already drunk, girl's and guys grinding on each other. I scoff at the way these girls dance, like that's attractive. Maybe it is to most, but just not to me. Nothing they do is attractive to me. But I couldn't bring myself to go to a gay bar. I've never been able to stand them anyways. Everybody is a little too touchy feely. When I reach the bar, I call the bartender over and ask for a vodka double. The clear liquid is placed in front of me, and I knock it back in one, not in the mood to do this sober. I order more and more until I can barely remember my name. Its fine , I'm not all too fond of my name. I walk out onto the dance floor, girls grabbing onto my arms and whining when I shake them off. I spot a man stood in the corner by himself. He has dark hair and caramel coloured skin, I think. I can't make out much with the annoying fucking lights. The man looked drunk, swaying back and forth slightly with his eyes closed. I approach him slowly, slipping into the gap next to him. He opens his eyes and smiles at me. I smirk back. I lean down, resisting the urge to laugh when he gets up on his tiptoes to try and help me. "Why are you here by yourself?" I whisper into his ear, and feel smug when he shudders. The man carries on grinning.

"I don't - Hiccup - know. Everybody was here" Giggle. "And now they're gone!" He exclaims and I move close to him.

"How sad. What's you're name, handsome?" I growl. He giggles again.

"Benny. But I'm not gay." I laugh and he joins me, still looking confused.

I lean down and press my lips to his jaw, sucking harshly before soothing the sting with my tongue. Benny moans, and grips onto my forearms. "Do you want to be?" I whispered to him, before nibbling on his ear lobe, causing him to moan again. He was too much fun.

"N-No." I sucked again. He gasped. "Maybe."

I smirked when I felt the bulge in his jeans press against my leg. "Do you live here?" I asked, pressing his body up against the wall and standing between his legs.

"No." Benny moaned. "I have a hotel room - Ah! Fuck!" He exclaimed when I ground into him. I carried on bruising his neck while my other hand drifted to stroke him through his jeans. The moans errupting from his lips only made me go faster. "Fuck!" He yelled again and I shushed him.

"How about you take me to this hotel room, yeah?" He started to nod maniacally, grabbing my hand and pulling me through the crowd. Apparently he really did want to be gay. He didn't fight with that for long.

I'm ashamed to say I did not go easy on that boy, Joey. I was rough and hard with him, especially considering he hadn't done anything like that before. I had pounded him into the bed, the headboard denting the wall. But then again, if his screams were anything to go by, he certainly enjoyed it. To be fair to me, Joe, I put a glass of water on his bedside table before I left.

After he finished, he fell asleep almost instantly, allowing me to call a cab and slip out quite easily. Before I met you, Joe, I did that quite often. Usually they were men who were actually already gay. But he was so easy, standing there alone, pissed out of his brain. I could've spent hours looking for someone gay in that club, so I selfishly decided to just go for the simpler option.

The bad thing is, Joe, I did enjoy it. There's no denying it was a fucking fun night. But I regret it, Joe, I really do. I'm not one of those people who believe you should only have sex with someone you love, but after you, I thought I viewed sex differently. Obviously not. I obviously only found sex different with you, and not with everyone. Because I still got the rush of dominance, and I still loved it. So maybe you didn't change me as much as I thought. Maybe I just thought I was better. Maybe I was temporary.

I'm sorry Joe, for what I did. I do regret it. I just wish I regret it more.

"Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment."

Cole