Not Quite Sure Yet

Chapter 23

Dear Joey,

This is my apology letter, Joey. I don't want to have to say sorry every time I mention Dukes name now we are getting more ... involved.

I guess after a while I forget these were letters to you, and just told my story. Well, am telling my story. I forgot these letters were being addressed to someone I loved, to someone who is probably hurting. And I know that sounds ridiculous, because your dead, but I'm the sort of person who believes the dead don't leave us till we accept they're dead. I haven't accepted you're gone, not really. I'm trying though, I promise. So because I haven't accepted you're gone, I still feel bad for mentioning Duke. 

I suppose it would be hypocritical of you to be annoyed at me for being involved with Duke. You told me to move on, to let you go. I haven't done that yet, obviously, but you can't begrudge for trying. So here is my list of things I need to apologize for. Because I wont stop them, but I feel better at least.

1) I'm sorry that I enjoy Duke's company.

You would think it was just a physical attraction thing, but the more I hang out with him, the more I find myself genuinely liking the guy. Obviously he's hot as fuck, but that's not it. He has this.. way about him, that makes me live in the moment. Duke makes me laugh more than anyone else, even Blue. He doesn't question things, doesn't push me. Its different to how we were.

2) I'm sorry for making this so dramatic and girly and shit.

The thing is, I don't have anything else to concentrate on. I've spent months just thinking about you, living in the past. And I'm still like that really, just a bit more distracted. So when you're given something new to concentrate on besides grief, you grab it with both hands. Not literally of course.

3) I'm sorry that these letters are depressing as shit most of the time

These are purely the inner working of my mind, so most of the time they are wrong and dumb and stupid. I realize that. And most of the time, I'm down. And that's your fault really, but I suppose you can't help being gone. See, look, Joe? I'm already getting better, I'm already being more rational. Jesus, I sound like a fucking child, begging my mother to be proud of me

I blame Duke, he's too fucking happy all the time it's rubbing off.

And I guess that's it. I'm sorry, I really am. I'm sorry for loving you still, for really needing to let go. Oh, but finally:

4) I'm sorry for not regretting Duke

Not even a little bit, not even at all.

"If using 'was' could be deemed gramatically, or at least emotionally correct, in the sense that it could relate to something that you actually couldn't do in the past, but want to do right now, then I wanna say, I was sorry, for everything...”

Cole.

*******

Did anyone get the 10 things I hate about you reference? Ay?