Not Quite Sure Yet

Chapter 14

Dear Joey,

Me and Duke had spent the rest of the night, just talking. He had warmed up after a while, claiming my clothes were much more comfortable than his had been. Which was quite funny, considering my t-shirt hit his mid thigh, and the sweats were rolled up at by the ankles. He wasn't a small guy, but I'm 6'5, so practically a giant. You always insisted on wearing your own clothes, saying you felt like a dwarf in mine. And I would laugh, Joe, every time.

We talked about most things. I found out he really didn't like his parents, and had suffered neglection and Atelophobia his whole life. I found out he was 6'1 but felt like a midget compared to me, telling me to 'stop fucking growing and start fucking shrinking'. I found out how he wishes he had a sibling of some kind, how he also likes that he doesn't, because it's bad enough one kid has such fuck up parents. I learnt about how he had grown to really dislike Nicole over the year and a half they dated for. About how he broke up with her after she claimed he 'fancied that freak more than her.' About how he felt suffocated in this world, how he would never be anything more than the football star, with the rich parents and hot girlfriend. Duke spoke more than me. Although he didn't say it, I could feel how happy it made him, to even find out a bit about me. It made him confident Duke again, not the reserved, quiet guy he could sometimes be in my presence.

He had spent the night. And because this wasn't some ridiculous romantic movie, we did not fall asleep in each other arms after some minimal argument about one of us staying on the floor. I slept on the couch. Sure, Duke spent a good hour or so sulking about how I wouldn't let him sleep there. But, I found it more amusing, so I laughed the whole time. Eventually he joined in.

The thing was, Joe. I really enjoyed myself. Duke told me to let go for one night, and be me, not the asshole I am every other day. And I did. I realised how much I missed just forgetting, or having anything to forget. Because that night, Joe, I forgot you. And I don't feel guilty. I don't feel like crying now everything has come back to me. I feel like forgetting again for the first fucking time and I liked it. I told Mom this, ashamed. I put my head in my hands and tried to keep calm as I told her how it felt to let go.

"And I fucking liked it Mom. I liked feeling normal, feeling like me." I groaned and shrugged. God, I was such a fuck up. I felt her hand on my shoulder, and I brought my head up to meet her gaze.

"Cole." She sighed. "You've done nothing wrong. There is nothing wrong with moving on."

"That's the thing, Mom, I'm not moving on. Maybe I don't feel guilty now, and that's bad enough, but I will later. In two or three days it will come crashing down on me, and I won't be able to fucking breathe." I shook my head, dreading the crushing of my chest I was bound to feel soon.

"I don't think you will feel it, dear." Mom hugged me from behind.  "I think you're finally starting to do what Joey told you to do."

"What?" My voice cracked.

"Moving on. Letting him go." She said softly, rocking back and forth. "At last."

That was it, Joey. In some ways, I really don't want to let you go, but in others, I just want to feel human again. I'm sick of waiting to feel guilty, sick of feeling I have done something wrong when I had a nice time. Do you what, Joe? I might of been able to move on, if you did what you said. If you just left. If you kept your fucking word. But no. No, you had to complicate it that bit more didn't you? Do you remember? When your name popped up on the screen, I fucking jumped five feet in the air. And I felt my heart swell when I read those words.

"I have made a mistake. Don't let me go. I'm coming home."

Do remember those, Joey? Because they're the reason I can't do what you said. Those words are the reason I am so fucking numb all the time. Those words are the reason I watched Duke walk out of my door in the morning with my smile slipping off my face. They're the reason I am okay. God, Joe, why?

"Leave something for someone but don't leave someone for something."

If this is what letting you go feels like, it fucking hurts.

Cole.