Not Quite Sure Yet

Chapter 28

Dear Joey,

Whatever me and Duke were, we were happy. I mean, I was no where near a changed man, nor even a redeemed man, but I was a happier man.

I felt lighter. Less like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. I had started to question my sanity levels again. Nobody should fall this quickly after breaking. I know, I know, we've only known each other a short time, we're so different. I know that. I don't even know if I'm falling again. It doesn't feel like it did with you, Joe. It doesn't feel so... easy.

We shouldn't be enjoying each other's company the way we are. We are from different worlds, different lives. But we do. It's like everything we technically shouldn't feel or do, we are. Duke shouldn't ditch his football friends almost completely, but he is. I shouldn't be forgetting you much, but I am. We shouldn't ignore the looks and whispers and just not care, but we do.

Technically, the stares are at the lowest point they're ever going to be. We haven't told anybody about being a couple, or even gave anybody any reason to believe we are. We don't hold hands, or kiss in school. Well, then again, I don't really know if we are a couple. We sure act like one. The things that are said show signs of being together. The small gestures are easy and barely even thought through. I'm sure of anyone saw us at home, they would assume we were together, well, properly together. But I still don't know.

I know Duke wants to have that conversation. He's eager to explain things, and have things explained to him. But I'm still putting it off. I don't know why. Well, that's a lie, I do know why. It's because I don't know, well, anything. I don't know how I feel about Duke. I don't know how I feel about you. I don't know what my feelings mean, or why I'm feeling them. I don't know if I'm ready to move on, because I don't know who I am.

But there is one thing I do know. I know I'm a time bomb, a grenade. I may seem normal now, happy even. I may seem like I've forgotten or 'got over' you. And do you know what? Right now, I feel like I have. I feel like I could take on the fucking world if it made Duke happy. But that's now. And now isn't forever, despite wishing it could be. Now I'm happy, now I'm normal. But tomorrow, or even in the next fucking hour, I could turn. I could go back into my shell. I could block the world off, sucked in by memories and pain. I could break down crying and screaming because I want you back. My mental state resembled a teenage girls mood swings: unreasonable, irrelevant and random. I hurt people when I shut down, and I desperately don't want to hurt Duke. I say cruel, horrible things that stick in the mind; trust me, unfortunately, I know from experience. Duke didn't need to be hurt even more.

He went to his grandmother's funeral not too long ago. He said he wished I could come with him, but he didn't need his parents to cause a scene. They were reluctant to go anyway, telling Duke she was old, and bound to go anyway, so he was over reacting. I could've punched them for that. However, after the funeral, the knock on my door was proof he needed me. As soon as I opened  it, he threw his crying body into my own, and I once again held him on my lap on the couch as he sobbed. But this time, I held with no hesitation, with no questions. I rocked him back and forth, drawing circles in the bottom of his back, pressing the occasional kiss to his forehead. Duke whispered my name over and over, voice breaking.

After an hour of crying, Duke sat up and looked me in the eye. "Cole," He rasped, hands shaking as they raised to cup my face. "Thank you."

I smiled softly. "Its okay, baby."

He shook his head. "No, it's more than okay. I don't want to get all deep now. Fuck, I don't think I could cry anymore if I tried." He chuckled. "But thank you. God, this is the second time I've gone all pathetic on you."

I pursed my lips. "Grieving isn't pathetic, Duke. Everybody has to mourn. And don't take this the wrong way, but I'm honoured that you come to me."

Duke pressed his forehead to my own, and smiled slightly. "Where else would I go?" He whispered, and pressed his lips to my own.

"To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved."

I don't know about the second one, but the first one, I'm pretty fucking happy about.

Cole