Not Quite Sure Yet

Chapter 29

Dear Joey,

I was having the talk. Well, was about to have the talk. I assure you it wasn't willingly, Duke had turned up randomly, sitting me down on the piano room with a determined expression. It would be scary if he wasn't so fucking cute.

"Cole." Duke sighed. "Stop looking like I'm going to hurt you."

I rolled my eyes. "You may do. Talking might make me kneel over with exhaustion. Then what would you do?"

Duke scoffed. "Stop sulking." He laughed. "We had to have this talk, Cole. I need to know."

My shoulders dropped. "I know." I growled, annoyed he was making sense.

Duke put his hand on my knee. "What exactly are you scared of?" The question threw me off guard. I knew what I was scared of, of course. I was scared that I would hurt him, that I would ruin him the way you ruined me. But he didn't need to know that.

"Nothing." I bluffed. "I'm not scared of anything. I just don't see why we have to give it a label." I knew I sounded like a child. I didn't care if course, but I knew.

Duke sighed, annoyed. "Really?" He demanded. "Really? You're going to try the 'I don't care' act? Now?" His tone turned sympathetic. "Look, I get it. You've had bad experiences with relationships, you've been hurt. I'm not going to hurt you."

"Maybe now that's what you feel." I said simply, ignoring the look he was giving me. "Maybe now you're one hundred per cent sure that you want to be with me. But the thing is Duke, you don't even know if you're gay. Or bi, or anything. You were straight before me, and for all I know, you could be straight after me. I don't want to be left because you don't know who your attracted to." I finished with a deep breath, staring directly ahead of me. Admitting one's fears is never and easy task, and when telling them to the person you trust, you feel vulnerable. And I suppose, I felt less vulnerable if I didn't see his reaction. If I didn't see the surprise, the confusion, the internal debate.

"That's what you're worried about?" Duke sighed. "You're worried because I was straight? Or at least thought I was? You're worried because I dated the queen of bitchiness, involuntarily? Look at me, Cole." He grabbed my chin and pulled my face towards his. "Maybe I'm not gay for everybody. I don't look at other guys and think 'Oh God, he's hot'. Do you do that when you're gay? I don't fucking know. I can't even say you've turned me gay, because it wasn't a sudden thing. You intrigued me, drew me in. You opened my eyes to Nicole and made me want to know you. I didn't take one look at you and go: I must have you." He explained, and I listened on, confused. What he was saying made no sense. He didn't find guys attractive, but he was with me? Jesus H. Christ, and people say girls are confusing. Guys are fucking worse. "I found you attractive when you started to tutor me. When you weren't an ass. When you showed me that you were worth ten times that bitch I was dating. I dated her because it was expected. And you showed me the expected isn't necessarily what's right. God, my only heterosexual relationship didn't exactly do well, so why would I go back to that when you make me so happy?  So yeah, maybe I'm not gay for everybody. But do know what I am one hundred per cent sure about? I'm gay for you, Cole."

It was silence as he finished his speech. He was gay for me. He did have a point. Nicole wasn't exactly a shining example of a perfect heterosexual relationship. But then again, I'm not exactly a shining example of a homosexual partner. I took a deep breath.

"Duke, I don't even know what to tell you. But you were honest with me, so I'm going to be with you." Duke leant forward to listen, gesturing for me to carry on. I shuddered and began to speak. "Before I say anything else, please remember that I'm not stable, or normal, or strong. Please, please remember that." Duke opened his mouth to protest, but I shook my head, staring at him till he nodded reluctantly. "I'm going to hurt you. I will, I hurt everybody. I don't mean to, I don't want to. I just do. I've got this self destruct defense mechanism, and I can't help ruining anything good. My last boyfriend left me, and then died. Died leaving me. I pushed him away, and now I push everybody away. It's what I do. And you're too good, too amazing to be hurt by me. I don't want to hurt you, and as soon as I have to admit we are a thing, something clicks in my brain, and I go mental. I say horrible, cruel things, and you'll hate me. R and Beth are the only friends I have left from my old school, you know why? Because I pushed the others too far. I said things, and they shouldn't have to put up with it. So they didn't. I blamed me that he was dead, and so did they, eventually. And I will hate myself more, when I hurt you." I finished, gulping.

Duke had determination written across his face, but his eyes were filled with tears. Duke was a sensitive guy, and I was worried I had pushed him too far giving him the complete truth. Because the things I say probably sound horrible and selfish, but it's how my mind works.

"Cole, you're not going to hurt me." He whispered. "You're not. Joey left you, yes, but he realized his mistake and died coming back to you. I know you don't see it, but you are a good person, a loved person. And you think because you hurt others, you're going to hurt me? Were you as close to them as you are to me?" I shook my head. "Did you trust them like you do me?" I shook my head. "Have you helped them like you've helped me?" I shook my head. "Then it's not the same. You care too much. And you say you're not strong, you are strong. You were strong enough to move away from the only place you knew, you were strong enough to isolate yourself so you didn't hurt others and you were strong enough to not let your past ruin me and you. So yes, Cole, you're fucking strong. And I'm fucking proud." His voice was strong now, ringing through my ears.

Duke was looking at me with wide eyes and flushed cheeks, and when I pressed my lips to his, I let the kiss say what I couldn't. The thousands of things I wished I could say but I couldn't. I showed him how I was feeling the only way I knew how; with my actions.

“We accept the love we think we deserve.”

Cole

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That is one of my all time favourite quotes, from one of my all time favourite movies, aha. I think I even used it in a GCSE essay.