Not Quite Sure Yet

Chapter 9

Dear Joey,

Surprisingly, tutoring Duke hasn't been all that bad. I mean sure, it's not my favourite thing in the world, but the kid is definitely improving. We're no where close to being friends, but we haven't killed each other. We're both fairly quiet in the sessions, only really saying what we have to. Well, he is. I like to make the odd sarcastic comment here and there. Nothing too offensive, but enough to assure him I'm still the same guy. Same asshole. To be fair, he takes them well, scoffing or rolling his eyes at me. That little bit more confident.

But now he's less afraid, or scared, or whatever, I can see why he is the football captain. He has this happy aura that he lets out. I know this is bad, Joey, but in those hours, I feel slightly less depressed. I forget that you're not here with me. I don't forget you, God no, Joe, that would never happen. But I can almost imagine you're at the store, or a class or something, and that you will walk through the door any second. But then Duke leaves and takes his ridiculously happy aura with him, and it comes crashing down on me again. The feeling of loss, the feeling of missing you. And I hate it. I will sit in the shower, sobbing, for hours afterwards. The shower is the only place I'll ever cry, Joe. The tears mix with the flowing water, and the droplets pelting the side drowns out any sounds I might make. So I can't decide whether forgetting is a good thing or not. Because to forget is only a temporary happiness that makes remembering even harder.

I was talking to Beth on the phone the other day, and do you know what she told me? She said I needed to get laid, to let out some frustration. Can you believe that, Joe? I couldn't that to someone. With the amount of frustration I have, I'll probably break their back.

But all that night I kept thinking about what she said. True, I haven't slept with anyone since you, and you were nine months ago. But I wasn't sure if I wanted to. Not in that way, I can't deny the frustration, but in a emotional way. I know I sound like a fucking girl, but l can't help it. I had people before you, I've just never thought about having people after you. But I also don't intend to be a nun for the rest of my life.

If I think about it, I could probably turn Duke. Not forever, but enough to make him curious. I've noticed the way his breathing turns irregular when I lean over him to explain something, or the frustration in his eyes when stares at me. He's confused. Not enough to try anything, but enough to comply if I tried something. But I won't do that to him. I'll let him live without the fear of who he was, I'll let him carry on pretending he can stand his girlfriend. But I do need something, Joe. I feel so disgusted with myself for needing anything but you, but I do need something, Joe.

But then again, can you really judge me?

"I feel as if I were a piece in a game of chess, when my opponent says of it: That piece cannot be moved."

I do love you, if you cannot bear to remember anything else, remember that.

Cole